SCHIPS Ahoy

Our Congress has bravely stood against the onslaught of twelve- year-old brain- damaged children and cute baby-faced toddlers to stand with our President and against the expansion of children's health care. In spite of the overwhelming majority of the nation supporting this program, the Republicans have stood fast, and finally dealt a torpedo to all those freeloading children who refuse to provide their own health care when their parents cannot. And I salute them!

We owe them a debt of gratitude for supporting our brave President's veto, even though it meant children will have to do without. It takes a tough man to say "fuck you" to little children.

As a gesture of our gratitude to the members of Congress who upheld Commander Guy's veto, we must all, as a nation give the Republican members of Congress something they can use.

Now, I know what you are thinking: four more years? Right? Well, not exactly. You see, I know the Republicans are all avid gardeners. They have been for years. They love to toil in the flower beds, raise legumes, and nurture prize-winning fruits and vegetables. And like all gardeners, they know the value of fertilizer. And what makes the best fertilizer? Manure.

Any good gardener knows that he has to shovel a lot of shit to create a masterpiece garden. And we Republicans have been awfully good at shoveling shit over the years. It was this love of gardening and the need to shovel shit, that made us so Machiavellian at shoveling the shit to voters every two to four years. One could say we invented the shit piling.

So I urge every American to show their thanks for the Republicans in Congress who showed us that ideology is more important than substance, that is better a million children go without coverage than a single smoker have to pay a tax, that is better to slime and destroy a child than to make a valid argument in support of your viewpoint. Give each Republican in Congress who supported Bush's veto what he or she desperate needs as a shit-shoveling gardener. Send in your used diapers to show them we appreciate their stance (give several to Senator Craig, since he has a wide stance).

And of course the best shit shovelers have been the talking heads and pundits of the Right, like Rush Limbuagh, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Michael Medved, Michael Savage, Dr. Laura, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Melanie Morgan. To these you must send in your used adult diapers. This gives these pundits the extra shit they need to continue to shovel the shit out, 24-7.

For a full list of those who voted so bravely in the House, and for the Senate, don't forget the extra stamps and keep the weight under 16 ounces so you can mail your package from any mailbox.

And like those two make-believe wine makers of the past, we thank you for your support.

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