So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

Another day older and a another passing. Henry Hyde is dead at the age of 83. I've always found obituaries rather strange in their wording. Why is it we say someone is "dead at the age of," anyway? Why not say someone is "dead at the weight of" or "dead at the hair color of?" I think that would be more appropriate. I must apologize for myself, it appears that all-night 60 Minutes marathon seems to have done its damage. I am now channeling Andy Rooney.

Henry Hyde belonged to that ever-disappearing brand of Republican politician, staunchly partisan, morbidly obese, sexually repressed with slightly overt tones of homosexual tendencies. Each time he would come to speak at the lectern, images of Rod Steiger from In the Heat of the Night and Strother Martin from Cool Hand Luke would run through my head. At any point during the impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton I expected him to say "What we've got here is failure to communicate."

Henry was a special kind of Republican. When he dragged Clinton's sex life into the chambers on the Hill, he took political rancor to a level never seen before or since. Indeed the trial of President Clinton makes any criticism of Commander Guy by the Democrats seem trivial and polite. But you will never hear any of us on the Right to admit to that. As far as we are concerned, no one has ever criticized a sitting or former President in a time of war.

With his passing, and the retirements of Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott, and more than a dozen others, the makeup of the Congress is changing, and not for the better. After the Reagan revolution, where President Reagan expanded Nixon's Southern Strategy and solidified our majority in the South, our party was stealing people from the Democrat party at an astonishing rate.

Then came the Republican Revolution, led by Newt Gingrich, when we swept the House in 1994. Over the next six years we courted the Conservative Christians in the South, solidified our majorities on Capitol Hill and in state houses around the country. Abortion, homosexuals, affirmative action, and the culture wars propelled us to the White House and Senate in 2000, until one Jim Jeffords screwed that up.

Then came 9/11, which was really fabulous for us as Republicans. And even though Karl Rove claims we never wanted to vote on the War in 2002 right before the elections, we milked this for everything we could. It was great. It was like a political orgasm without end.

Then it all came crashing down. Just like the hangover morning after, when you wake up to see the ugliest person on earth lying next to you in a strange bed, and you quietly slip out of bed, leaving twenty bucks on the dresser for breakfast on your way out the door, it seems that everyone from the Religious Right to fiscal conservatives are bemoaning their relationship with the Grand Old Party. As we stand under the morning shower trying to wash off the shame, it seems that nothing short of a complete transfusion will save us.

Nothing short of a complete reversal of fortune will save the party now. There have been some in the party who have suggested the only way to accomplish this coup is for another attack on the United States. Others have schemed to show the relationship between Democrats and Islam. Still others try to smear Democrats. But it seems that nothing is working.

So it comes down to 2008. I call on all my fellow Republicans, you know, that majority of 26%, to come together, support our Commander Guy, and elect a Republican Congress and Senate in 2008. Come on people, throw me a friggin' bone here!

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