Pat Robertson: Evildoer

There is something wrong with Pat Robertson. Perhaps it is all the powdered milk shakes he's been ingesting. Maybe it is all the leg lifts he did. Just a thought, but it could be fumes from all the meth labs at Regents University. But there is something truly wrong.

After years of telling us we could never vote for a pro-gay, pro-abortion, anti-gun candidate, he has now endorsed Rudy.

Pat, I have to ask you a couple of questions.

First, are you on crack? OK, maybe not crack, but something hard.

Second, what is wrong with Mike Huckabee. Blanca has decided to endorse him because of his Pro-Rapture stance. As a fiscal, environmental, and foreign policy it can't be beat. Why worry about keeping down the deficit or keeping the lakes clean or not pissing off our neighbors when Jesus is just around the corner, and He has a mop and pail in hand! Mike hates the gays, the abortion, and loves him some guns. He's also sexy for a Pastor.

Third, are you on crack? Sorry, that was already covered.

Honestly how do you expect to be taken seriously from this point forward? I have overlooked some of the stranger things you have said over the years. And I generally agreed that every natural disaster was God's punishment for abortion and gays. And I applauded you after 9/11 for tying the attacks on the World Trade Center to the ACLU. But you have gone too far. How can you support Rudy?

So Blanca is severing all ties to Pat. You can return my donation for the pornography research wing of the Regents University Library. You are officially now an evildoer!

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GM

GM has reported a record third quarter loss of $39 billion. It’s time we lay the blame squarely on the people responsible for this loss: the unions and the dealerships.

I agree, it is all the fault of the unions and dealerships. It has nothing to do with management. It has nothing to do with oil being at $100 a barrel while GM pushes high profit vehicles like the Hummer, which gets 9 MPG. If Americans really wanted fuel-efficient cars, Toyota would be number 1. It has nothing to do with the fact that the leadership of GM lives in the Gross Pointes, while the average vehicle owners live in ticky tack houses in burbs or in apartments in cities. It has nothing to do with the fact that management get not only free cars but also free gas, removing them from the reality of gas prices. It has nothing to do with the fact Michigan has had its collective head up its posterior for years, voting against their own best interests in favor of dividing issues and Amway salesmen.

No, it is all the greedy unions and dealerships!

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It's a Trap!

When I first watched the vote on the im- peachment of Vice Decider Dick Cheney, I was shocked. I was glued all afternoon to C-SPAN. For those of you unfamiliar with C-SPAN, it is like porn for pundits. Sometimes I watch it with the sound off while listening to Pink Floyd to see if the music syncs up with any of the action. Sadly, I must say it never does. But it is a trip, nonetheless.

First the diminutive Dennis Kucinich got up and introduced his privileged motion. What is it about the Democrat party? Why do they go for short little geeks? I mean Michael Dukakis, Paul Simon, Paul Tsongas, Paul Welstone, and now Dennis Kucinich. I think collectively the whole Democrat party is about thirty feet shorter than the Republican party, and that is with their current demonic majority in the House and Senate.

I was pleased to see, after Dennis the Menace did his little tap dance, that the Majority Leader, Steny Hoyer, motioned to table the measure. I thought, for the second time in as many days, that I was falling in love with the eunuchs of the Democrat Party.

And then came the vote.

At first, I could see everything lining up as I wanted. Those evil Democrats were falling in behind their true masters, and were voting with the Republicans to table the measure. And then came the switch.

I couldn't believe that the Republican Minority Leader, Representative Boner from Ohio, was voting against tabling the measure. I thought to myself, how could this man, who is the epitome of Republican graces, do this to the Vice Commander Guy? I mean how could you not look into that face and not think, how adorable? I mean every time I think of Dick, the Penguin comes to mind. I just love the Penguin. There's something about that cigarette holder hanging between his lips that just gets my motor going. Come on girls, you know what I'm talking about.

Member after member on the right side of the aisle voted NOT to table the measure. What the hell was going on? I thought I was having some sort of flashback to one of those cocaine parties that used to be thrown at the Governor's Mansion in Austin in the 1990's. I freaked out so much I started to text my gal pal Ann Coulter for help.

But then I saw the trap!

As the switch was complete, the Democrats were confused and dazed. Immediately the Majority Leader asked to move the motion to committee. Then he tried to rescind. Then he tried to bring it back. My head was getting dizzy as I realized the brilliance of my party. It was like watching Wimbledon without all the stupid balls--at least on the left side of the aisle.

And here is where the trap was sprung. The Democrats voted overwhelmingly (along with five turncoat Republicans) to send the motion to committee for consideration. We now have all those nasty Democrats on record as being traitors to the United States! And they will be tied up for months trying to subpoena documents, which do not exist and question people who either won't show up or won't recall. It's pure genius!

But I can hear you asking, Blanca, what if they succeed?

Who cares! Then we still win! If it looks like this crazy thing will go through, Dick will resign and we get someone strong and popular to fill his place. As VD, she can run for President in 2008. Now let's all cross our fingers and hope for another attack on America, because then she can use the old "changing horses midstream" argument, and presto, can you say President Rice?

Representative Boner, I owe you a drink. I know how fond you are of the drink. You can come over any time and collect. Just please leave the male pages at home this time.

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Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November

Sweet Jesus, I just can't stand these loons who keep supporting Ron Paul.

Can't these nuts just keep quiet and stay home, or better yet, they could lend their support to Dennis Kucinich. Now there is a dark horse. I may think Dennis is a nut, but I must applaud him for his choice in trophy wives. Talk about a FLILF!

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Strike!

A strike has come to Hollywood. This is just another form of terrorism more deadly than Al Qaeda or suicide bombers.

It is irresponsible for writers in Hollywood to go out on strike during a time of war. Won't someone think of the troops? We as a nation need diversion. We need to be free of thought. We should not trouble our beautiful minds with images of war. It is the escapism of the Hollywood Glitterati that keeps us warm at night. It is the constant glow of putrid crap coming from CW, Fox, and, to a lesser extent, ABC, CBS, and NBC, which keep millions of Americans glued to their television sets, endlessly surfing 24-7, taking little time for sustenance and sleep and no time for reading.

If this strike is successful, television screens across the country will be affected. They won't go black, but instead will go gray. Like the water some coo coo bananas environmentalists insist we use to water our lawns, gray television is polluted not by fantasy and "reality," but by news and current events programming. While shows like Lost, Boston Legal, and The Bionic Woman require writers, shows like 20/20, Dateline, and Nightline need only glean the headlines for their content. Unaffected by the strike, their numbers will grow, until you won't be able to turn the channel without be confronted by a news or news-related program.

And that is where this terrorist act cuts the collective jugular of the nation. Faced with news, the populace may start to pay attention, for the first time in almost seven years. God, I shudder at the thought. Imagine housewives gathering together not to discuss which character was in a coma or had just died on One Life to Live or All My Children, but to talk about the latest scandal coming from the White House. Think about a nation where instead of talking about the latest plot twist on Ugly Betty at the water cooler in the office, white collar workers talk about the latest bombing in Iraq. Envision a place where instead of gathering around analog television sets to imbibe the latest red neck offering like Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader millions of white trash suddenly realize that they may not be smarter than a grade schooler but are indeed smarter than Commander Guy and begin to question in anger.

I for one, cannot suffer this world.

But there is hope. If we find ourselves staring down the barrel of a nation without mindless numbing entertainment, we can fight back. I implore all of my fellow conservative bloggers to join me in rescuing this nation from the impending writers strike. Together we can fill the positions of all those terrorist writers, coming up with imaginative plot lines for shows, while finally killing off the whole left-wing-dominated entertainment industry. Think of how we could influence the nation with our writing styles, our love of truthdom, and our rabid affection for our Decider. Think of episodes of ER, where all the foreign doctors preach the perfections of American health care and denounce socialized medicine. Imagine The Simpsons characters voiced by Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Sean Hannity. Envision hour after hour of game show programming where all of the questions highlight the accomplishments of the Bush Administration. Of course this may require slight changes in time slots. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire may need to trim down a little bit. With the new question format, it might have to be slimmed down to Who Wants to Be a Hundredaire.

So join me, my fellow cons. Together we can do it!

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Coup Coup Atchoo

Musharraf, that mus- tachioed general and our number-one gooddoer friend in the war on terrah recently declared a state of emergency, suspended elections, and dismissed the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Not bad for one day's work.

Musharef is fighting terrorism and promoting democracy in the Middle East by shutting it down at home. You've heard the saying "you have to break a couple of eggs to make an omelet?" Well, Musharraf is just expanding on this notion. You have to kill freedom of the press, assembly, and speech in order to protect our freedom from the Islamofanaticfascistterristas.

Now I know what you are thinking. I have heard a lot of my liberal friends quote Benjamen Franklin, who said that those who are willing to sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither. But Franklin didn't live in a time when foreigners were on our soil, fighting against us. Oceans no longer protect us. Trust me, I asked Billy Ocean to stand guard in my gated community and he just told me to piss off.

Anyway, who cares about a little coup thousands of miles away in a country most Americans have never even seen? Coups really aren't that bad, anyway. You know I don't seem to be as concerned about coups since 2000--don't know why. Of course, coming from Wisconsin, where growing up you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a Kraut, I prefer the term putsch to coup. It has a more meaty feel.

Musharraf insists he must suspend elections to protect the country from future terrorist attacks and to preserve the peace. Let's just hope that our beloved Commander Guy takes a cue from the diminutive, swarthy Paki strong-man. Can you imagine how much more orderly and peaceful this country would be with Martial Law? Of course everyone can still keep their guns. There's nothing like stroking a shotgun in the middle of the night to soothe your nerves.

Just think how quiet and orderly everything will be in the coming months when instead of having to watch Hillary and Company trash our beloved Decider, we can be reassured that He will always be there for us, protecting us from the Democrats and terrorists. Instead of wasting millions of dollars on a needless election, that money could better be used in giving me another tax cut. And with George always in the White House, we won't have to worry about some painful transition in 2009.

So Condi, please stop criticizing Musharraf. Think of his as an experiment, a trial run, for what we could do here. Today Islamabad tomorrow Washington, D.C.!

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Up Up and Away

Oil is about to hit $100 a barrel. Now all you hear from the mainstream media is gloom and doom about how this will raise the price of gasoline, and how millions of Americans will be affected by the increased cost of heating oil. What you won't hear from those lefties is how this doesn't affect me one bit. Sure, I may have to pay a little more to fill by Hummer at the pump, but I also own so much Exxon/Mobile stock that each time you pay through the nose filling up your GM or Ford piece of shit, I make out like a bandit.

Higher oil prices are not bad for the economy. Think of them as wealth redistribution. Of course this is the good kind of wealth redistribution, not the bad kind, taxing me to pay for infrastructure, social services, and the bestest little war ever. High oil prices take money from the middle class and put it in the hands of those of us who know how to use money properly, the fabulously wealthy. Why let some poor family of four in West Virginia keep their paychecks? What will they do with it anyway? Probably blow it all on drugs, drugs like erythromycin, streptomycin, and penicillin. And if they don't waste it on drugs, they will probably spend it on useless luxuries like food, clothing, and shelter. Instead you should give it to people like me. I will take that money, offshore it, and spend the proceeds on a fabulous vacation on a secluded island in the Bahamas.

It's like the time I was flying with one of my liberal friends. You know the type, hard worker, no insurance, some silly social conscious. I went first class, but left him in steerage. When he bitched and complained, I asked if he had ever flown first class. Of course he hadn't. Liberals never fly first class. They just can't afford it. I told him that I had always flown first class and that I could not go back to coach. Poor people have never had lots of money, but I have. And I'm telling you, I can't live without it. While the poor folk can eat beans, I need my caviar, damnit!

So all you poor people just stop bitching about the cost of oil and gas. I can cope, so should you.

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Small Balls

Normally I do nothing but rail against the Democrat Party. But I have found two new friends in the party. Diane Feinstein and Chuck Schumer now say they will vote for Michael Mukasey to permit him to receive an up or down vote in the Senate.

All I can say is thank God for small wonders, and the even smaller balls of Chuck Schumer.

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God Hates Lawsuits

I have never been a fan of homos. I mean I will do the occasional gay bar with my gal pal Michelle Malkin, and I might agree to be the grand marshal at a couple of gay pride parades, but that is where I draw the line. But even with my rampant homophobia brought on by my repressed homosexual tendencies, I would never think of picketing a funeral for a fallen soldier. So I must say when I heard that Fred Phelps and company had lost a lawsuit and were ordered to pay $11 million in damages, I was quite happy.

Then I began to think. I know what you're thinking. Don't worry. As a Republican I only think on occasion, and I usually limit my thinking to the story du jour from Fox News or to sexually explicit images of my gal pals Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. But this time the thinking strayed a bit to something called the Constitution.

You may not have heard of this quaint document. It has almost been forgotten in our country today. Personally I really only think that one amendment is worth anything, but after hearing of this verdict I suddenly remembered there were twenty six other amendments. It seems the very first one is of most interest in this case.

It seems we Americans have the right to say all kinds of bat shit crazy stuff. I mean just look at the crap my gal pal Ann Coulter spews. I mean to actually believe any of that junk you would either have to be mental or crazy. Luckily I am a Republican, which counts as both.

As Voltaire once said, "I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death my right to say something worse." If you don't know who Voltaire was, he was a commentator on Fox News. I think he filled in for Bill O'Reilly a couple of times.

So I am going to wait until I see what the Supremes have to say about this case.

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The Doctor is In (Your Son's Pants)

Well it looks like Dr. Dobson is up to his old tricks again. This sick bastard keeps writing books, hoping you will let him into your home, open your shower, and let you take a bath with your sons. His latest attempt to con you is a book so aptly titled Bringing up Boys. It might as well be called Feeling up Boys. I mean just look at the cover. The dog is an ersatz stand-in for Dobson himself.

I've warned you before about this prevert. I vowed to never again let this creep baby sit my nephew. After one night with him, little Jimmy was donning a tiara, pumps, and a sequin gown. Dobson may talk the talk, but when it comes to licking homos, he really licks homos.

Do us all a favor, "doctor." Just come out already. Our party has too many preverts as it is.

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Donnie's Snowflakes

The evildoers of the mainstream media once again are taking people's words, in context, and using them against them. This is just horrific. The latest victim of this travesty is Donald Rumsfeld.

It seems everyone on the left wants to make something of the so-called fear mongering in Rumsfeld's memos. Look, if you are trying to rally a country to war, you need to scare the crap out of them. If you don't keep people afraid, cowering under their beds, stroking their shotguns, hording canned food and water they might go outside, think for themselves, and become critical. Then where the hell would this fun little war be?

So lay off Donnie. All he was trying to do was protect us by scaring us. If greed was good in the 1980's, then fear is good in the 2000's!

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Water Boarding

What is wrong with water boarding? I thought it was a fun summer sport akin to the winter sport of snow boarding. Why can't terrorists take part in these sports? Of course I don't think they should be allowed out of Gitmo to participate, but at least they could probably enjoy water boarding around the bay.

And now, just because he doesn't think this sport is torture, it looks like Michael Mukasey is not going to get his new job of Attorney General. This is the kind of personal attack, which has made our country so divided today. I just have no idea where those nasty Democrats would have ever gotten such an idea!

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99 Luftballoons

Recently while perusing the Internets, I stumbled across Balloon Juice. I thought to myself, what a strange name for a blog. It sounds like a stripper at a Kansas City Cat House. If you have never visited a whore house in Kansas City, you really should schedule a visit to the City of Fountains. Just make sure you stay on the Missouri side. Kansas is a complete bore. Just ask Brownback.

I was very disappointed to see that Blanca did not make the list of blogs these guys frequent and make fun of. I mean my gal pal Michelle Malkin made the cut. I am at least as coo coo bananas as that Filipina coconut.

Let's put aside for a moment that this is a blog written by a gay Canadian Republican. I can't even begin to tell you all the things wrong with that sentence.

It's like the unpopular girl at school trying to get into the weekend kegger thrown by all the cool kids in the class. When she can't get in she decides to get drunk and put our for the whole football team. That, sirs, is what you are. You can't get in, but you are flailing about at the front door screaming let me in, I promise to play your game, only to be appalled when you finally realize the rules of the game.

But that aside, you did not link to my website. I refuse to be ignored. Nobody puts Blanca in a corner.

To quote Oscar Wilde, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about and not getting royalties." Every time someone says something totally bat shit crazy, Ann Coulter gets a check for $1.23. See, she just got a check right there.

So I demand you preverts link to me!

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Do Nothing Congress

How can people still trust the Democrats after the complete mess they have created in just ten short months after twelve blissful years of fiscal responsibility, legislating to the base, protecting brain dead women from Florida, attempting to make certain Americans second-class citizens, and protecting pieces of cloth decorated with stripes and stars, all the while sending this country off on the bestest war fun we have ever known.

Those terrible Democrats are wasting everyone's time investigating the White House, performing oversight, trying to give children health insurance, and end the war. Why can't they just take Britney Spears' advice and just trust the President? Look how well it has worked for her!

And what have these lazy Democrats actually accomplished, anyway? All they've managed to do is hold 943 roll call votes, which is a pitiful number! You have to go all the way back to 1978 to come up with a number even close to 943! And what have the passed? Come on, 9/11 Commission recommendations, increase in minimum wage, children's health care, veterans benefits, and stem cell research. What a bunch of do-nothings!

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Budgets, Budgets, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Budgets

I applaud Mike Huckabee. I have waffled on him, but recently I saw him on CNN, and I realized once again why he may be one of the true conservatives in the race. I may consider endorsing him again. What has pleased me most is his pro-Rapture stance. This is the kind of fiscal policy I think we can all embrace. Who cares about taxes, budgets, deficits? When Jesus comes back and all of us get taken up to Heaven, no one left will care about the deficit as they are burning the Lake of Fire. Of course, with the EPA dismantled, there will be a lot of lakes of fire before Christ returns. But that's OK. We really don't have to worry about protecting the environment, because Jesus is coming back, and he has a mop and bucket in hand!

So keep it coming, Mike. You may just win over this old broad yet!

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Coming Soon: Super Dooper Evil Doers

A Fox's Thoughts: Re: Blanca DeBree

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