Why Does God Hate Our Freedom?

The impending doom called Gustav has prompted major changes in the Republican National Convention agenda. And I was so looking forward to the party. You know, it's the one time every four years I can run around half naked in front of thousands and not be called a deviant. Just as long as the pasties covering my nipples are appropriate for the event. This year I was planning on using my left over Mike Huckabee stickers. But alas, it is not meant to be.

I really wanted to see the swimsuit and talent competitions this year. I hear that Miss Wasilla is a shoe-in. And you know as runner-up, she will take over the duties of the winner if anything should happen to him. And don't say that it won't happen. We all remember whats-her-name. Click, click. I mean I knew Miss Alaska liked huskies and Eskimos, but I had no idea! Penthouse will never be the same after that chilling pictorial. But I digress.

God is ruining our party. He is sending a hurricane not only to disturb our fun, but in the same place and on the anniversary of another hurricane, Katrina. As if to draw attention to the splendid job we did last time, echoes of "heckuva job, Brownie" are sure to reverberate through the Target Center in St. Paul this year. Already Commander Guy and his Dick have cancelled their appearances. Also not appearing are Bobby "The Exorcist" Jindal, and Charlie "Honestely I'm Not Gay" Crist. Add this to the other A list celebrities not showing up, like Ahnold, Susan Collins (the senator, not the drink), and anyone else endangered this year. It makes me want to cry.

Sure, we still have the Quaker Oats Guy and the former owner of Jon Voight's car, but it just can't compare to the The Boss, Oprah, or Madonna. Shit! And I'm not saying our celebrities are little light on the grey matter, but when asked how the star of Coming Home, a film vehemently opposed to the Vietnam War, could be in favor of Mr. Iraq, John McCain, Jon Voight said that Coming Home was just a movie, and he knew the difference between make believe and real life. He then said he had to leave to find a national treasure, defeat robots disguised as cars, and to make Ned Beatty squeel like a pig.

So God is literally pissing on our parade. Just like mamma told you that rain is Jesus' tears, hurricanes are God's vengence. Oddly, it's usually for homos and other secular progressives. Can't figure out why the Almighty chose to hit the Target Center this year with a Category 5. Even if the winds don't blow through the streets of St. Paul, past the capitol and down the steep embankment to the Mississippi, we will all feel a collective chill. Surely, as if a tidal surge was sweeping through the Twin Cities, God seems to be whispering "irony's a bitch" to the delegates gathered to purchase another four years of Republican rule.

Certainly God must be a Democrat and must hate our freedom, otherwise, why would he take such a vested interest in spoiling the festivities? Didn't we do everything we could to promote Him and His Son? I mean, I distinctly remember the admonishments against gay marriage and abortion and the promotion of tax cuts for the wealthy while cutting funding to the poor being the cornerstone of his ministry two thousand years ago. In fact I think He said "blessed are the war mongers," and I know I heard once or twice "the rich shall inherit the earth, but only after shifting their tax burden to the poor."

By sending an ill wind to blow--and not in the Larry Craig way--God is sending a message that he doesn't like us any more. God, I think, hates Republicans and the Grand Old Party.

God, why do you hate the Republicans?

God, why do you hate our freedom?

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