Rush Week--Not!

Rush Limbaugh recently made a claim that Barack Obama is the first black Presidential candidate to win a caucus or primary. Well, it turns out that he was wrong. My rabid right wing friends over at DBKP debunked him, all while doing Bong Hits for Jesus. Well, I don't really know about the Jesus part, but I am pretty sure about the Bong Hits.

Rush wrong? Isn't this one of the horsies of the Apocalypse? I warned Rush that his addiction to Oxycotyn and his predilection for Costa Rican youth would come back to hurt him.

Well Rush's problems with the truth and facts aside, it turns out Jesse Jackson beat Obama to the punch by twenty years. But, if the momentum I am hearing about all over the Internets proves to be true, Obama could make it a two-fer with New Hampshire, and ultimately could make it a Hat Trick with Nevada on January 19. It is still unclear about the status of the Michigan Primary on January 15 and Florida on January 29.

Blanca's prediction is that Michigan and Florida will not be necessary for the Dems, since it looks like Hillary Clinton is imploding à la Howard Dean in 2004. For the Republicans, however, those delegates will be crucial. It is Blanca's prediction that no candidate will go into the convention this summer in Minneapolis with enough delegates to snare the nomination. There will be back and forth, some horse trading, and a walkout before it is all over.

But we still have 52 more contests to go before the conventions. It's going to heat up this winter. Damn, sounds like those liberals finally have their evidence for global warming, after all.

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An Immodest Proposal

With the exception of Mike Huckabee, I have been not very enthused about this year's crop of Republican contenders for the White House. It saddens my Conservative heart to see liberals like Giuliani and heathens like Romney running for the same office that George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan have held.

Then, while watching an old episode of Futurama, it hit me.

We need to return to the heyday of Republicanism, back when we we could con union members into voting for Reagan, convincing them that it would be best for them. Back when we could strong arm a Democratic Congress and President to vote for NAFTA, convincing them it would make them more popular. Back when George W. Bush was viewed as a genius, and not a blithering idiot. What we need is to return to the 1980's.

I contemplated building a time machine out of a Delorian, but I realized that would be both costly and time consuming. And if we Republicans are anything, it is lazy and cheap. Why do you think we love to employ illegals all the time?

No, if we couldn't bring us back into the past, then we would have to bring the past up to us.

What we need is another chance to capture the glory days of Reagan. What we need is Reagan to run again. Sure, I can hear you naysayers now, throwing up logic to tear me down. Isn't Reagan dead? What about the 22nd Amendment? Isn't Reagan really dead?

Well, sure, but I think these facts work to our advantage. Because Reagan is dead, he is not affected by the 22nd Amendment. The 22nd Amendment only applies to living Presidents, not to corpses of Presidents. And since Reagan is dead, we don't have to worry about him suddenly growing a pair or gaining a conscious. He will always do what we want him to do.

All we have to do is exhume is body, freshen it up a bit, and shove a speaker up his ass. We prop him up at the podium, and then, offstage, do all the speaking for him. And who will argue with Reagan after Scarborough and Hannity practically made him a fucking saint? We can't lose.

We'll get old footage of Reagan's speeches, do simple edits and dubs, changing names, dates, and places, to make them more topical. The Soviet Union becomes Al Queda. Evil Empire becomes Global Jhihadism or Terrorism. Gobachev becomes bin Laden. I can just hear Reagan's famous Berlin Wall speech now. "Mr. bin Laden, tear down this cave." Brilliant.

Sure there will be challenges. His body has decayed quite a bit by now. And I am sure the smell is rather oppressive. I guess we can use perfume, but we will probably have to buy it at Costco in bulk to save money. We also will have to invest heavily in super glue to reattach the parts that will inevitably fall off as we travel around the country on the campaign trail.

But it will all be worth it. With Ronald Reagan back in the White House, we can be assured of permanent tax cuts, a continuation of the Bestest Little War in Iraq, and the appointment of strictly constructionist judges.

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Gooddoer or Evildoer?

Of late, I am having difficulties discerning the Evildoers from the Gooddoers. It used to be so clear. The Gooddoers all loved our Commander Guy and hated the liberals. The Evildoers hated the war and loved Joe Lieberman. Now, I don't know which end is up. I feel more confused than Michael Savage at a whorehouse in San Fransisco. You don't know whom to sleep with until you've lifted all the skirts.

And as an aside: I'm not exactly sure which ones Michael would sleep with. He seems to bat for the other team, if you get my drift. But those are just the rumors I've heard on the Internets and seen written on all those men's rooms stalls I encountered when doing my investigative reports about Larry Craig. But I digress.

So I have come up with a handy questionnaire to see who should be Evil and who should be Good. I am going to start handing these things out so I know where to put everyone on my list.

1. Do you love Commander Guy?
2. Do you love Joe Lieberman, even though he's a Jew, and makes you all uncomfortable with the whole Hanukkah thing?
3. Do you love the War on Terrah?
4. Do you think Ron Paul is on crack?
5. Do you think Mike Huckabee is the bestest choice to be the new Decider?
6. Do you think Mitt Romney not only is a bad Republican but is also going to Hell?
7. Do you think Rudy Giuliani is like a cute child, better seen and not heard?
8. Do you think the VD (Vice Decider) is a lovable, misunderstood guy?

If you answered yes to all the above questions, you are a Gooddoer. If you answered no to any of the questions, you are an Evildoer.

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Romney Wins Wyoming

Mitt Romney has won the Wyoming caucuses, taking eight of the state's twelve delegates. Fred Thomspon takes two and Duncan Hunter takes one.

What the fuck?

Since when did the people of Wyoming care more about hair, flip flopping, old curmudgeons, and nobodies? What is wrong with these people?

If I were you, I would not plan any trips to Wyoming anytime soon. God is going to smite them. And after he has smitten, there will be nothing left, save a small circle around Dick Cheney's home, just like in that really annoying episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, where the super being creates a whole world for himself and his fantasy wife, and Counselor Troy loses her mind, and the Captain solves the riddle, and it's like really sad, because we learned that the super dude killed 50 billion aliens, because he was pissed off. Sounds something like Commander Guy's story.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter. Mike is going to win in New Hampshire, where it really counts. And if he doesn't, then New Hampshire don't mean shit. He will definitely win in South Carolina, where they appreciate his brand of Republicanism.

All I can say to the good people of New Hampshire is, better vote for Mike, if you know what's good for you.

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Conventional Wisdom

I was very excited when I heard that the Republicans would be holding their national convention in Minneapolis. I thought to myself, what a wonderful opportunity to take advantage of a tragedy and turn into our benefit. I pictured footage of the I-35 bridge collapse running over and over in the background as Rudy Giuliani took to the dais and told the moving story of how he watched cars fall into the Mississippi as he grabbed the arm of Bernie Kerik and said "that God George Bush is President."

It was much to my chagrin that I discovered that there would be no mentions of the bridge collapse at this year's convention. When I asked why, they just told me it wouldn't look good for the Republican Party, you know, diverting domestic spending like transportation to the War in Iraq. Whatever.

I asked if we could move our convention back to New York City this year. They told me no. something about that turncoat Bloomberg, abandoning the Party, some "bitch," and the fact the Governor is no longer a Member of the Party.

So I have decided to take matters in my own hands. Time is running out. With the construction of the Liberty Tower in full swing, there is precious litte time left. We will have to act this year, otherwise we will never have this opportunity again.

I will hold an auxiliary Republican National Convention in the pit at Ground Zero. I can just see it now. We will have actors re-enacting the horrors of the day, jumping from tall ladders, and screaming "thank God, George Bush is President" before hitting a big cake in the shape of a fire truck. There will be champagne and balloons. After all, nothing says reverence for the dead than Bacchanalian debauchery followed by copious amounts of vomit.

There will be model airplanes flying into nearby buildings, reminding people of the horror. If they aren't moved enough, we will hire the Dancing Itos and turn them into the Dancing bin Ladens. It will be classy!

It will be great. We will own 9/11 once again. Every time you hear the numbers 911, you will think of George W. Bush, the Republicans, and what a wonderful job we are doing on the War. After all, whenever you call in an emergency, you think of September 11, and of our Commander Guy. And if you are Filipino, you think of the Decider whenever you order pizza delivery.

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Another Soldier Bitch Slaps Commander Guy

Another lazy, fake soldier has committed treason by denying our Commander Guy the ever-needed man power to continue the Bestest Little War in Iraq. Instead of working hard, making progress, moving forward, putting one foot in, then taking it out and shaking all about, this little shit decided to get himself killed.

What a prick.

Major Olmsted decided that he knew more than all the brilliant Commanders on the ground and the Commander Guy in the Bubble, and cashed in his chips, leaving a gaping hole in the front lines on the War on Terrah that now must be filled with either an illiterate, racist guardsman from West Virginia, or a drug-addled criminal from South Central LA.

As a Republican, I, for one, am getting tired of all these soldiers weaseling out on their duty by dying before they finish the job. I mean I haven't seen this kind of lay-down-on-the-job attitude since Lincoln decided to get assassinated so he didn't have to work Sundays.

All of my friends on the right agree. Rush tells us about the phony soldiers who are against this fun little war. My gal pal Ann agreed, along with my puki pal Michelle.

If we really gave a shit about all these tosser soldiers who are not only making this war look bad, and us as well by proxy for our support, don't you think we would have forced Commander Guy to sign the funding for the troops in December instead of vetoing it? And after we made fun of Kerry for wanting to cede our sovereignty to another nation.

No, we are tired of all these soldiers belly aching about wanting to come home. We are tired of MoveOn reminding people of so-called "facts," backed up with "figures," and actual "quotes." We are getting tired of the 75% of the public who no longer support Commander Guy blindly. We are getting tired of the mainstream media delivering bad news, instead of telling all the heart warming stories of children scarred for life getting free medical care in the States.

But most of all we are getting tired of all these Democrats who insist on flaunting some silly notion of Democracy, voting for Barack Obama, a staunch opponent to this war.

My God, we on the right practically delivered Hillary Clinton to you on silver platter. We used our news outlets to pump her up. Rupert Murdoch and Richard Mellon Scaife both humped her leg to get her elected. We even maligned Edwards to make her look better.

But you chose the Negro, knowing we can't attack him, lest we be accused of racism, like we accused you of when you criticized The Rice. So here we are, stuck with stale Fag jokes we can't use. What the hell are all the closeted queers in the Republican party to do if they can't self immolate? And all those Dyke jokes and nut cracker jokes will go unused as well. If we can't show our misogyny on the right, what the hell do we do?

This is going to be a long, hard year. Maybe I can ask Pat Robertson to pray for the Democrats to die or something. At this point, it seems the only Christian thing to do.

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Bye Bye Biden

Joe Biden has dropped out of the race, adding another casualty to the list from the Iowa Caucuses.

This brings the total to two on the side of the Democrats and none on the side of the Republicans. Although for McCain and Thompson to drop out would be considered redundant, since they are so close to the grave, anyway, that quitting makes little difference.

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Fred Thompson Gets Endorsement

Fred Thompson has received the coveted Wyoming Right To Life's endorse- ment for President 2008.

The organization stated that Fred was the best representative for their beliefs, having had a strong record preserving the unborn, protecting the not yet born, and helping the pre born. He also has an excellent record protecting the pre dead, as evidenced by his support for the Terri Schiavo legislation of 2006.

What says protecting life better than having the near dead represent you?

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Another Love Child

A lot has been made of allegations of a secret love child between Senator John Edwards and some chick. While the mainstream media has not picked up on this, other than the occasional mention by the the National Enquirer, Drudge Report, Don Imus, National Ledger, and other lesser known media presences, it has been heavily reported in the right wing Blogosphere. While this scandal is perhaps the most important political story since Monica, there is another political shocker, which no one seems to either care about or mention.

In what could be the most significant story of the millennium, a story, which if true, could indicate we are not only living in the end times, but that the Messiah has already returned and is just waiting to bring our nation back to God and righteousness, right before the Rapture, Armageddon, and God destroys the world in his loving Glory.

To begin this story, we must go back to August 24, 1955 in a little town in Arkansas. A town was never so never named so apropos. For it is in this town of Esperanto that we not only saw the spawn of Satan born, who would eventually destroy our country from within with the evils of the oral sex, but it was also in this town where we would see our Savior reborn to rescue us from the evils of the oral sex, the gay sex, and the fun sex.

Although his parents are listed in his biography as Mae and Dorsey, it was quiet clear very early on that his father was not his biological daddy. Mae was visited in the winter of 1954 by an Archangel, who proclaimed that she was to bear the son of God. Confused, she thought she must strip the son of God naked. As she was ripping the loincloth off the family's heirloom crucifix handed down from their heathen Catholic ancestors, the Angel told her to snap out of it and get a grip. I forgot to mention that the woman was a blithering idiot.

When she got over the initial shock that usually accompanies news that you are going to carry the Love Child of the Almighty, she set to work to make a home for the New Jesus, or Jesus Mach II, as she liked to call him.

Of course Dorsey was not too keen on Mae being pregnant, since he could not remember knocking her up. Known for his temper, he would repeatedly beat his wife while she was pregnant, which would later be blamed for the child's incredible poor judgment and bad taste. Eventually Dorsey caught on, and accepted his fate as being the foster dad to God's son.

The little child grew, and soon learned the ways of the force. Sorry, wrong biography. He learned the Christian ways, and became a good study, eventually becoming a Baptist Minister. Not satisfied with mere religion, he entered politics, because he knew his daddy would want it. It was unclear which daddy, but one of them.

Ultimately his journey took him to the Governor's Mansion. Although this is not a great feat, considering Arkansas is about as backwards as Mississippi. But it was an accomplishment, nonetheless, like winning the Bronze at the Special Olympics.

Now our Savior is running for President. And I encourage all of you to support the Immaculate Conception of Mae, for it is within Mike Huckabee we shall all find salvation before God blows it all to shit in a mad rage known as the Tribulation.

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Obama Wins Iowa; Dodd Drops Out

Obama pulls off a surprising win. In a state, which is overwhelmingly white, it is possible that most of those voting had never seen a Negro before, and were confused as to what he was. It could be that some even thought they were viewing a negative or something.

On the lighter side, Senator Chris Dodd has now dropped out of the race, becoming the first casualty of Iowa. For the time being, all the other candidates are still in place.

Surprisingly, Ron Paul managed to just eke out double digits. Personally I did not think this many people in Iowa had access to the Internets.

There may be hope for Fred Thompson, however I am sure he will suddenly find his inner laziness and fuck it up.

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Huckabee Wins!

Mike Huckabee wins Iowa! Jesus be praised! Actually, from what I heard, Jesus was voting in Des Moines.

The former fat man sings!

To quote Ducey from Fox and Friends, this is HUGE! Next stop New Hampshire!

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Iowa Caucus: Getting There

LIVE BLOGGING

Here are the latest results.

These are final results from precincts.

Democrats
With 23% of the Precincts Calling in:
Richardson 2
Clinton 32
Edwards 33
Obama 32

Republicans
With 17% of the Precincts Calling in:
Huckabee 36
McCain 12
Thompson 15
Romney 23

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Iowa Caucus: The Closening In

LIVE BLOGGING

Here are the latest results.

These are final results from precincts.

Democrats
With 17% of the Precincts Calling in:
Richardson 2
Clinton 31
Edwards 34
Obama 32

Republicans
With 2% of the Precincts Calling in:
Huckabee 33
McCain 11
Thompson 17
Romney 24

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Iowa Caucus: The Adding

LIVE BLOGGING

The following results are now in:

With 10% of the Democrats calling in:
Richadson 2%
Obama 31%
Edwards 34%
Clinton 32%

With 2% of the Republicans calling in:
Huckabee 33%
McCain 11%
Thompson 17%
Romney 24%

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Iowa Caucus: The Abacus

LIVE BLOGGING

With 5% reporting, on the Democrat side Biden is at 2%, Edwards is at 36%, Obama is at 24%, and Clinton is at 33%.

On the Republican side, Huckabee is ahead at 33%, with Romney second at 24%, Thompson at 17%, and finally McCain at 11%.

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Iowa Caucus: The Countening

LIVE BLOGGING

First results are in. With 2% of the precincts calling in, Edwards is ahead with 42%, Clinton has 33% and Obama has 24%.

So far nothing on the Republican side. Stay tuned.

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Iowa Caucus: The Reckoning

LIVE BLOGGING

The rules are being read. What the hell is this? What jackass came up with this whole process? Were they on crack?

They are saying this is going to be a long, hard night. Blanca really doesn't have it in her go sit and watch this. I think I am going to have a drink, maybe a nap, and get back to you in a little while, when we have a clue as to what the hell is going on.

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Iowa Caucus: The Beginning

LIVE BLOGGING

In less than half an hour we begin the first step in the long journey to the White House. And the Blancasphere will be there, giving you a blow by blow. Just like Larry Craig.

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Meet the Candidates: Ron Paul

Ron Paul is a Congressman from Texas. He is also a former Presidential candidate. He also has one of the strongest Internets campaign since Howard Dean.

As a Libertarian, Ron does not believe in big government, small government, or any government. He has pledged to eliminate the IRS, which seems like a popular thing to do, but he plans to replace it with bands of masked gunmen who will rob passing cars on the highways with tolls, pay-as-you-go, and usage fees.

Ron Paul also has taken the unpopular stance of opposing the Bestest Little War in Iraq. At a time when the Surge has been working, making progress, doing hard work, moving forward, and doing a heckuva job, Ron has hitched his wagon to the bat crazy idea of bringing the troops home and ceasing policy making at the point of a gun. What a nut!

Dr. Paul, as his minions of Internets supporters like to call him--although I think he is more of a Chiropractor than a real doctor--is very fond of the Constitution. He seems to think there are all kind of guarantees in that quaint document, granting us security and privacy. What a loon!

Ron is against fetal murder, gay blasphemy, and has indicated, albeit indirectly, that he would like to restore the property stolen from my family in 1865. But it is his stance--wide that it may be--on the War that makes him an impossible candidate.

He will most likely continue to run until the very end, like the perennial Kucinich or Nader. It is feared he may even run as a third party candidate. But no matter what happens, watching his supporters run around like a bunch of hippees, talking about justice and crap, is as entertaining as the Howard Dean yell.

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Meet the Candidates: Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney is the former governor of what is arguably the most liberal state in the Union, the only state with gay marriage, and home to Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts. He is the son of George W. Romney, the former governor of Michigan, the most blue collar state in the Union. His mother was Lenore Romney, a former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, the most liberal of all the cabinet positions. So obviously Mitt is running as a Republican.

Mitt is also a member of a little-understood cult called the Mormons. Aside from having a hit show on HBO, Mormons are known for their many wives, golden runes, and magic underwear. They also are known for their intergalactic spaceship. Oh, sorry, wrong cult.

Mitt is famous for his flip flops. He recently was awarded the coveted Flipper Award for his many positions on fetal murder, gay blasphemy, gun oppression, illegal immigrants, taxes, and Reagan's Eleventh Commandment.

Mitt has perfect hair. He also has very white teeth. He is what is known in political circles as a pretty boy. But unlike other pretty boys, who have been accused of being gay, Mitt is not gay. But his son, Craig is. Very, very gay. He's so gay, he floats three inches off the ground.

So because of his many positions, his liberal background, his cult religion, and his super gay son, he is the worst possible candidate, aside from perhaps Rudy. At least Mitt has never worn a dress (that we know of).

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Meet the Candidates: John McCain

John McCain is the Senior Senator from Arizona, and like Arizona, he is old, wrinkled, and suffering from Alzheimer's. Once famous for his Straight Talk Express, he is now better known for his Crazy Talk Express. His now infamous campaign song "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" went to number two on the Loonie Charts.

John was a guest at the Hanoi Hilton, which is best known as the only Hilton Paris has not had an orgy in. As a prisoner of war, he bravely chose to stay behind rather than use his father's influence to gain an early release. Because of his experience as a prisoner, experiencing torture at the hands of the enemy, he thinks Water Boarding is bad, but defers any decision to Commander Guy, who, himself was a prisoner, of the Kinnebunkport Police Department for a DUI.

John also has had a black baby out of wedlock. Even though he insists the baby was Asian, and that he adopted her, I believe the push polls, which by the way had nothing to do with our Commander Guy and Turd Blossom, to be sure. John McCain also has endorsed a lot of positions, having at least two on each issue.

He was pro fetal murder before he was against. The he was pro gay blasphemy before he was against. He also doesn't seem to remember if he was pro illegal immigrant or not. Coming from a border state, he most likely is beholden to illegals who most likely have constructed a tunnel directly into his basement from Mexico.

John McCain is expected to quit the race sometime in the spring, long after it becomes painfully clear he hasn't a chance. The fallout of this election will most likely lead to his resignation from the Senate, so he can spend more time with his family and Depends, I mean dependents.

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Meet the Candidates: Fred Thompson

Fred Thompson is an old decrepit candidate. Over the past couple of months, he has gotten progressively uglier and older, and now scares small children and barnyard animals.

Fred is the former Senator from Tennessee. He also is a former prosecutor, working hand in hand with other prosecutors to punish criminals. He also single-handedly averted a terrorist attack, where terrorists had taken control of an airport and were holding several fully-loaded jets hostage during the Christmas holiday. He also helped to capture a rogue Soviet submarine, when the captain decided to defect. He also helped to discover a Soviet spy working within the Pentagon.

Frederick of Hollywood would have been the savior of the party, had he not been so ugly and lazy. His inability to get off his ass seems to have cost him the nomination. The only thing worse than a guy who looks like death warmed over, is a lazy guy who looks like death warmed over.

Fred is expected to return to his prosecution job as soon as he concedes defeat tonight in Iowa. He is expected to endorse an even worse candidate: John McCain.

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Meet the Candidates: Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani is the former mayor of New York City. The son of Italians, the lapsed Roman Catholic is considered the most liberal of all the Republican candidates. His support for fetal murder, gay blasphemy, and gun oppression has made him the odds on favorite in such Sodom and Gomorrah states such as New York, California, and Florida.

Rudy suffers from a rare disorder, which renders him incapable of remembering any more than one date: 9/11. This terrible disease often manifests itself at press conferences, when Rudy answers September 11 to every question, whether it be terrorism, the economy, taxes, USDA policy, or White House China patterns.

If elected Rudy Giuliani will turn the nation into a non-stop porn palace. Although he is credited with cleaning up 42nd Street in Times Square, he ultimately had non-stop orgies with women from across the city. His most memorable press conference was not on September 11, 2001, but May 10, 2000, when he announced on live television he was divorcing his wife to shack up with another woman. It wouldn't have been so horrific if he had bothered telling his wife before hand.

His propensity to wear dresses and live with other men makes him the gayest candidate since, well, Larry Craig.

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Meet the Candidates: Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee is the former governor of the all-important state of Arkansas. A state, whose sole existence is owed to the Walmart Corporation, a state, which until recently, did not have paved roads or running water.

Mike is a Baptist Minister. As a Baptist Minister, he is the most conservative and the most Republican of all the candidates running. He often speaks of his religion. He does not shy away from his religion, even if his religion takes unpopular stances, like subjugating women and forbidding inter racial marriages. But no matter what stances Mike might take, he has never had a wide stance.

Mike is married and has three children. Mike used to be fat, but now he is slim. He has nice hair, but not as nice at Mitt's. He also likes to play with loaded guns and point them at reporters.

As a conservative, Mike will return our country to its roots, before so many Amendments, back when it was pure, a simpler time, when there weren't deviants roaming the streets, when women stayed in the kitchen, and when my great-great-great grandparents didn't have their property stolen from them by some busy body "Emancipator."

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Huckabee on Leno!

I encourage all of my fellow Huckabee supporters to watch Jay Leno tonight. Mike Huckabee will be on, chatting it up, showing his warm side, and reminding us all why we must support him.

There may even be a surprise cameo by Jesus!

Oh, and Hillary will be on David Letterman. If you are in New York tonight, I would suggest leaving. God will probably smite the city because of her. I don't think He likes David all that much, either. If He did, He would have told the Huckster to appear on David's show instead of Jay's.

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Iowa!

Someday there will be a musical proclaiming the virtues of Iowa. Singing the praises of its wonders, such as the Winnebago factory, corn, and the hometown of Radar O'Reilly. But until we have a chorus line at the Shubert Theater kicking the finale, singing in unison, we must be content with the Iowa Caucuses.

In less than twenty four hours we will be knee deep in the most important electoral event so far this season, when 300 million people look to the good folk of Iowa to help them choose their next leader. A country comprised of many colors, religions, creeds, and others, with whom I probably wouldn't associate, finds it course thanks to a mostly white, mostly Christian, mostly rural state, where cow tipping is considered a sport and watching corn grow is a past time.

By this time tomorrow we may have a very good idea who the nominees will be on both sides. In six out of the last eight Presidential elections, the nominee was determined in Iowa. My predictions? On the Republican side: Huckabee, Romney, McCain, Thompson. On the Democrat side: Edwards, Obama, Clinton, Biden, Richardson.

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It's a Record!

Oil finally reached $100 a barrel, albeit briefly, today, marking the first time in history that the black stuff had hit the century mark.

While the left wing blogosphere has been going ape shit over this latest "evidence" of Bush's poor handling of the economy, those of us on the right have been quietly enjoying the show, knowing the real reason behind oil's rise.

Some are saying that civil unrest in Kenya is causing oil to spike. Others blame the falling dollar against the Euro and Pound. Still others say that competition from emerging markets like China and India are driving the cost of oil up.

But they are all full of crap.

The real reason behind oil's skyrocketing price is that it is all part of the Decider's brilliant plan, the plan formerly known as Operation Iraqi Liberation, or O.I.L.

With oil at $100 a barrel, and Iraq sitting on the second largest oil reserves in the world behind Saudi Arabia, the people of Iraq have more of an incentive to let the surge work, and get rich off the Texas Tea sitting just beneath the sand.

The plan is magnificent in both its simplicity and elegance. As the Iraqis welcome our surging troops with candies and flowers, they are thinking ka-ching! Each Iraqi knows that our glorious Commander Guy is making them all rich. Since Saddam is gone, that money will go directly to the people, with Chevron, Exxon, British Petroleum, and Shell taking a small handling fee of about 98%.

Yes, those Iraqis are about to be rolling in it. With oil continuing to rise, it won't be long before everyone in Iraq joins hands, sings Kumbaya, and buys Cadillacs, saving the American Auto Industry.

The Decider is about the smartest President ever!

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Someone Call CSI

Don't they have CSI in Pakistan? It turns out that Bhutto didn't die from a bump to the noggin after all. It seems she was killed by some sort of projectile known as a bullet. What kind of half-assed coroners do they have working in that God-forsaken hole they call a country? I mean any idiot watching a couple of episodes of CSI would know she was killed by a bullet. Even I figured that out, not that I am dumb or anything. I think of myself as a pretty sciency gal. I mean I debunked Global Warming, Evolution, and Gravity all while sitting on the toilet.

I guess the real change of heart came after some video showed up actually showing the assassination. Damn that physical evidence! The smoking gun this time turned out to really be a smoking gun. Who figured? It was evidence so incontrovertible that even the Walrus couldn't deny it. But he still did. My God, no wonder Bush loves that mustachioed Paki. He lives in a bigger bubble than Commander Guy! But that's what makes me love the Decider: his steadfastness. No matter what happens, he never shakes his beliefs. No matter how much evidence piles up against it, he continues to hold on to the same tenants. No matter how many people keep getting killed based on out-dated ideas, he just clings on, like a dog humping your leg.

So we will just have to wait and see how this plays out. Elections have been postponed. Martial Law could be right around the corner. This is going to be very interesting. Just think of it as a dry run for this country.

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Global Warming Snowball Swarming

All those chicken littles, warning us that the sky was falling and the temperatures were rising now seem like a bunch of silly ninnies, don't they? We have had storm after storm in the Midwest and Northeast, socking people in, freezing people out, and doing some other winter verb to people coupled by another preposition.

The blogosphere has finally noticed. And now it is time for the Blancasphere to comment.

Climate change takes places slowly over thousands of years. The biggest complaint we have had on the right is that we have not allowed enough time for all the evidence to be in and to closely watch all this so-called climate change in order to render a verdict.

Now we have had one of the coldest winters I can remember. There has been snow, ice, freezing rain. And all in some of the coldest states during some of the coldest months. What more do you need as proof that there is no such thing as global warming.

Look, Blanca got a Mr. Wizard Junior Science Kit for Christmas, and I have been using it to draw my own conclusions about global warming. After running a very complex experiment, which included ice cubes, some litmus paper, and a banana, I have concluded there is no such thing as global warming.

So take that, you so-called real scientists. My fellow conservative bloggers and I have used our so-called junk science to prove there is no such thing as global warming.

One down, two to go. Next week, evolution. Then gravity!

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New Year New Look

Happy New Year!

It is a new year, and that calls for a new look, and a new subtitle for this blog. Welcome to the Blancasphere. Stay tuned to this blog for coverage of the year's events, the election, and the resurrection of the glorious Republican Party under the brilliant guidance of Mike Huckabee, the soon-to-be Commander Guy.

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