John McCain Tries to Pass for Republican

John McCain decided to endear himself to Republicans by addressing CPAC today, but got a cool reception.

And to make matters worse, his thunder was stolen from him just a few hours later when Mittens dropped out of the race. Almost like a child, jumping up and down, screaming "look what I can do," John McCain was trying to garner attention. But no one would listen.

Doesn't John McCain understand he is no Ronald Reagan?

I mean, Ronald Reagan never raised taxes. Except for that one time when he raised taxes.

Ronald Reagan never cut and run. Except for that one time he cut and ran from Lebanon.

Ronald Reagan never negotiated with terrorists. Except for that one time when he sold weapons to Iran.

Ronald Reagan never gave amnesty to illegal aliens. Except that one time when he gave 12 million illegals amnesty.

Ronald Reagan never spent money like a drunken sailor. Except for that small period of time between 1981 and 1989, when he spent money like a crack whore who just won the lottery.

Yes, John McCain cannot compete with the memory of Reagan on taxes, terrorism, illegals, and fiscal policy. So just leave us alone, John McCain. We don't like your kind of "Republican."

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Brother Can You Spare $5 Million

Hillary Clinton wrote herself a check to keep her campaign alive, to the tune of $5 million. At the same time, staffers on her campaign have been going without paychecks. And in January, she only raised $13 million to Obama's $32 million. Things are not looking so good for Hill.

In an historic race, which will give the Democrats either their first black or female candidate, the populace seems split between the two. No one can decide which one they like more. No one seems to know which one is less of a liability and which one has a chance to get elected.

But this is where all of us Republicans are screwed. You see, now that Mittens is out of the race, and it is down to two, now the Democrats can more easily decide which one of their candidates will fare better against either one of ours. On the one hand, a log could beat McCain. On the other with Jesus running in the form of Huckabee, the Democrats cannot win.

And as time goes on, it appears that Obama is gaining more traction against Hillary. There are several caucuses coming up, too. Obama does well in caucuses. In fact, Hillary has only won the Nevada caucus. In addition, Obama has been gaining not only with blacks, but also with whites. And with such a focus on Hillary, it is hers to lose.

It seems we have done it once again on the right. We have tried to bury a Clinton, and it seems we have succeeded. But we wanted to bury her in November, not in February. With Howard Dean itching to use his power to force one of the two to make nice and drop out, it looks like the party may be over for Hillary. With Mittens out, the Democrats may be pressed to pick one candidate over the other. With forces aligning against her, my prediction is that by March 4, the Dems will have their man. Yes, I do mean Obama. That wasn't some snide remark against Hillary.

I save that shit for Ann Coulter.

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Bye Bye Mittens

Mitt Romney announced today that he was suspending his campaign to become the new Commander Guy.

At the same time, John McCain attempted to endear himself to conservatives by addressing CPAC--to boos and hisses. Doesn't this old geezer get it, yet? No one wants him. For God sake, and just take a hint from Charlton Heston and turn yourself in for recycling. At least we might get some tasty Soylent Green out of you.

So that just leaves one true conservative in the race. Mike Huckabee has been silent all day. It is presumed that God was tying up his phone with a chat about the future. But with Mr. Magic Underpants out of the race, it is the Huckster's to grab.

All those delegates Big Love got now go back to the states, which will determine what to do with all those ill gotten gains. With several more large states ahead, and with the race now down to two, it is very possible for a split to occur in the Republican field, just as is now occurring in the Democrat field. Mike Huckabee has been crowned as the conservative in the race, and should now get the support of such on air personalities as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and my gal pal, Ann Coulter. That is if they know what's good for them. I don't want to say that God will strike them dead if they don't support Huck, but God will kill them, rip off their heads, and piss down their necks, if they don't support Huck.

Look to this weekend for a sign of things to come. With three states holding races this weekend, and the Beltway Bowl on Tuesday, we have reason to hope. Our long national nightmare may soon come to an end. And the Huckster will be anointed as Decider 44.

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Damn Those Voters Having Their Say Again!

Voters had their say on Tuesday, casting ballots in the millions. Once again conventional wisdom, projections, election eve and exit polling proved to be completely wrong as those annoying voters insisted on ignoring the media, pundits, and endorsements and voted any way they damn well pleased.

Perhaps most annoying is how state after state seemed to fall for Barack Obama and John McCain. Its almost as if no one is listening to Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Dr. Dobson, Dr. Laura Slesinger, or Sean Hannity. It's as if people are tuning them out, and casting ballots according to some arcane rules of conscience. It's down right unnerving.

Look, all of us on the right have gone to great lengths to ensure that Hillary Clinton is the nominee on the Democrat side. We have done a lot of research, digging up dirt, and are all ready to swift boat her ass come November. As one of the voices on the right, I am on the fax speed dial for the daily talking points. I have seen what we have in store. I can't divulge anything, but let me just say it involves some drugs, an orgy, and several midgets.

And all of my friends and gal pals have been trying awful hard to keep you from voting for John McCain. I mean I personally have called everyone I know and told them about his black baby. You know, you just can't push poll a black baby with Barack Obama. It doesn't work for some reason.

But we have dug up some fresh new trash to throw at John McCain, just in time for the next round of primaries. For instance, did you know that John McCain crashed three planes in Vietnam? Did you also know he almost sank his own aircraft carrier? Did you know he killed 134 of our bravest American soldiers all by himself? I bet you didn't. Well now you do.

So here is how you can do your part. Call everyone you know in an upcoming primary state and ask them how they would feel knowing what you now know. Here, let me give you a script.

Ring Ring.
Hello. My name is (fill in your name--or you can use a fake name if you don't want them to know who you are). I am calling from (fill in your favorite polling service, but don't use Zogby--he's ultra left). I would like to know if you would be more willing or less willing to vote for John McCain if you knew he was a secret spy for the Viet Cong. Would you also be more or less willing to vote for John McCain if you knew he sabotaged the USS Forrestal by bombing the ship? I would also like to know if you would be more or less likely to vote for John McCain if you knew he killed 134 American soldiers. And finally would you be more or less likely to vote for John McCain if you knew he ran around in crotchless panties, wearing a swastika, while molesting children and killing little kittens. Thank you for you time.

OK. Get calling. We have millions of voters to reach by next week. It's time for you to do your part.

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Mike Huckabee Wins Big; Jesus Does an End Zone Dance

You may have heard all the Wednesday morning quarterbacking by now about how Super Duper Über Tuesday solved nothing, and that both political parties are now in a state of flux, with essentially a dead heat on the Democrat side and a less-than-equitable three way split on the Republican team. But what you wont hear from the mainstream media is what the Huckabee win means.

Mike started the evening early, picking up West Virginia. Mike continued his winning streak, taking Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, and Tennessee by the end of the evening. Mike Huckabee then thrilled the crowds with an amazing victory speech, recalling some widow with head lice and somebody into kinky armor sex. Actually by the time he got to that speech, Blanca was pretty drunk already. To tell the truth, I started pretty early yesterday. After the first race was called for John McCain I got out the 18 year old and downed it. I also drank some alcoholic drinks.

Mitt Romney started to take stock of his position today. Unfortunately Mr. Magic Underpants has decided to continue in the race.

Fortunately Mike has vowed to stay in the race as well. As the only true conservative in the race, he needs to stay in, not only to remain a thorn in the side of John McCain, but also to prevent Mittens from possibly winning the nomination.

Look, after God chose George W. Bush in 2000, I feel pretty confident his choice for 2008 is beyond reproach. As more and more people take a serious look at the three candidates left, they will see that the cream rises to the top, even if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Oh, and please don't tell me about Paulie Sure Hates This War and Mr. Bojangles still being in the race. No one is going to vote for either Ron Paul or Mr. Hedonism Alan Keyes, anyway.

If we can keep Huckabee in the race until the convention, we may be able to pull a true upset. If Johnny doesn't go into the convention with enough delegates, there will be back room deals between the true conservatives, to take prevent him from having enough delegates. In the end the conservatives will have to choose another candidate, and when they look at both Mittens and the Huckster, they will choose Huck.

It ain't over until the fat lady sings. I hear there are a lot of fat ladies in Pennsylvania.

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Obama Wins Georgia; Robert E. Lee Turns in Grave

Barack Obama is projected to win Georgia. Of course with 0 precincts reporting, it seems that Harry Potter has joined the CNN and MSNBC election staff.

You would think they would have learned their lesson in 2000. Calling a race too prematurely only creates instability in the electorate and makes you look like a fool when you turn out to be wrong.

We shall see as the night progresses.

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Ch- Ch- Change

We are being told that America wants change. If this is true, then the only candidate for America is Mike Huckabee.

Mike Huckabee represents change. He is fresh. He is new. He will give America what it craves. Let's take a closer look at how Mike differs from the current Commander Guy.

Mike was the governor of a southern state.

Mike is a born again Christian.

Mike doesn't believe in evolution.

Mike is white.

Mike has a toothy grin, which in the right light makes him look like one of those chimpanzees from which he is not evolved.

Mike is a compassionate conservative.

Mike believes God, aka Jesus, talks to him.

See, he is as different from the Decider as night and day--in Alaska.

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Huckabee Wins West Virginia!

Mike Huckabee won West Virginia, adding another win and 18 delegates to the former Arkansas governor's scorecard today.

While the West Virginia win is considered impressive, it is important to understand the process by which West Virginia chooses its delegates.

Unlike states with a caucus or primary, West Virginia holds a convention. West Virginians look for a candidate with whom they can relate, or may also be related to. The closer the relation, the better. Candidates whose family trees do not fork are considered shoe ins. Candidates married to their sister or cousin are automatically given all the delegates.

Now let's see if California is as progressive and chooses the Huckster.

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Reverse Psychology

You know there seems to be an awful lot of pop psychology happening on the right lately. It's almost as if everyone from Rush Limbaugh to Ann Coulter finally dug up that 1970's sitcom DVD collection that got a couple of Christmas's ago and started to watch them.

Reverse psychology was such a mainstay of the Dr. Phil's of the 1970's, you know Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Spock (not the Vulcan, but the real doctor), and Dr. J. Actually, I am not sure about the last one. I remember there was something about Dr. J and lots and lots of sexual exploration. Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Wilt Chamberlain. You know, Blanca was born 15 years too late. I could have tapped me some of that. But I digress.

All the pundits on the right from Sean Hannity to Michael Savage are pushing Mitt Romney over the imminently more electable John McCain. Now I know, if you have read my blog, you know that I despise John McCain.

Oh, really?

Or could it be that I am taking part in the vast right wing conspiracy of reverse psychology? Well, I'll never tell.

In order to understand reverse psychology, you have to understand games of skill, like chess, poker, or dwarf tossing. You see in order to force your opponent to pick B you make him believe you want him to choose A. He will then pick B just to piss you off. You get what you want, and your opponent feels all superior until he figures out how you screwed him over. Genius.

We all know John McCain is loved by Democrats and Independents alike. Just like Joe Lieberman. Show me one Democrat who doesn't love Holy Joe. Times up. Put down the pencil. Damn it, I'm not kidding.

We know Mittens can't possibly win. The cult thing, the magic underpants, for Christ's sake, "Big Love!" I mean who do you think made sure "Big Love" was on the roster at HBO in 2008? Come on, you have to give the vast right wing some credit. I mean we do have Rupert Murdoch, don't we?

And we know that Huckabee is too religious for anyone's taste. I mean I love me so Huckster like nobody's business. In fact, I would go down on the Huckster tonight if he asked me. Come on, Hucky, give Blanca a call. She's horny and hasn't had any since the first Bush administration.

So we are pushing McCain. We are selling McCain by telling everyone we can't stand him. If you think we are going to sit at home or vote for Hillary instead of McCain, all you Independents and Democrats in the open primaries will hand him to us on a silver platter. Genius.

And all those nasty things being said about Barack Obama. That is just part of the game.

According to the National Journal, a fine publication I use to pick up my dog's shit every morning, Barack Obama is the most liberal senator of 2007. Now maybe it's just me, but I would think the openly Socialist Bernie Sanders would rank higher. And maybe it's just a coincidence that same esteemed literary journal found John Kerry the most liberal senator of 2003. Things that make you go Hmmm.

And then there is that little screed in that most fair and balanced publication, The Washington Times. It seems Mr. Obama wants to decriminalize marijuana. My, how that just made you not want to vote for him, didn't it. Lucky for you, you didn't bother to take the fifteen seconds required to search for what it really means on the Internets. I mean lucky for us, your friendly Republican Party. It's fun to play with words. It's so Orwellian. I mean so Frank Luntz.

But my favorite subterfuge of this political season is my gal pal, Ann Coulter. She says she will support Hillary if John McCain wins. What does this do? Well, it gets all of your Independents and Democrats to support either John McCain or Hillary in your primary, thinking we will get a Democrat in the White House in 2008. My, you really are stupid, aren't you. Then again, I guess that is why "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader" is such a hit on Fox.

Reverse psychology is fun. We get what we want, and you get screwed. I'm looking forward to four more years of the same old same old. It has made Blanca a very rich girl. A very rich and very lonely girl. Come on Huckster, call me!

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Ann Endorses Hillary

Recently my gal pal Ann Coulter shocked everyone with her apparent endorsement of Hillary Rodham Clinton. When presented with the all-too-possible match up of Hillary Clinton and John McCain, Ann demonstrated most effectively the right's disdain for the senior senator from Arizona.

Now don't misunderestimate Ann. She is no dummy. She knows on which side of her bread is buttered. Ann is what we call in the industry a whore. Whether she is selling her penis cum pussy in a back alley, or her dignity on Fox News, Ann sells herself with every appearance.

Like anyone who markets, Ann understands that when times are a changing, you need to change your product. No one markets buggies anymore. Well, almost no one. All those crazy Amish in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, and Wisconsin seem to be stuck in the 19th century. But you get the idea. When an idea is no longer attractive, the savvy, less concerned with integrity will always flip and flop to the changes in the wind.

Ann is just hedging her bets, while applying a bit of reverse psychology. Even if things go poorly, and we end up with Hillary as the President, Ann will have endeared herself to the new Commander Gal, and will have guaranteed herself a position as a talking head for at least four more years. This is the pragmatic side of Ann Coulter. You know the side. It's the same side that is responsible for deriding gays, while hanging out with them all the time. It's the same side that condemns abortion, while promoting the procedure to all of her promiscuous pals. It's the same side, which chides Hollywood and the literary elite, all the while hanging out with stars and glitterati.

But there is also a side to Ann, which is pure genius. She uses reverse psychology to promote her own agenda. By convincing the Democrats that she will vote for Hillary if John McCain becomes the Republican nominee, this tricks the Democrats into voting for Hillary, a much more flawed candidate, over Barack, a much more difficult to beat candidate. If Democrats think Hillary will win over McCain, they will vote for her, permitting we Republicans to destroy her by November.

So don't be concerned by the reports that Ann has gone over to the other side. She is just being pragmatic, and is trying to use reverse psychology on the Democrats to get the candidate we can beat. I won't tell if you don't.

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Frankly, Luntz, I Don't Give a Damn!

Up to this point I have been a big fan of Frank Luntz. After all, it is because of him that we have such wonderful turns of phrase, which gave us eight wonderful years of Commander Guy.

He has been a brilliant pollster, and an incredible Orwellian pen write, permitting fat turd blossoms like Karl Rove to realize their dreams. If it weren't for people like Frank Luntz, all of Karl's dreams of a Republican President and majority would have gone unrealized. After all, Karl Rove is not exactly a rocket scientist. Actually, he's pretty much stupid as a stone. After this pecker wood lost us both the House and the Senate in 2006, I decided that his genius was greatly exaggerated.

But after last night, watching Frank on Bill Maher, I realized that even this perceived genius was nothing more than a paper tiger, presenting nothing more than kabuki theater as fact.

Frank sat there, praising Obama and Hillary, granting them the crown of inevitability, all the while lambasting the Republicans as lost, nothing, so, yesterday. As the moments progressed, my anger grew, until finally I could take no more, and I turned off the TV.

Mr. Luntz until now has been very much like the the Jewish policemen of the Warsaw ghetto. Just like Frank, they operated under the misguided notion that if they cooperated and sold out their own, they would survive the Holocaust. And just like Frank, they were wrong. Luntz has relentlessly attacked gays, even though he is as gay as a three dollar bill. But he has had the decency to keep it on the down low. Aaron of Lifelike Pundits should take a lesson from Luntz. But in the end, a gay in Republican clothing cannot hide. Just ask Larry Craig.

But this new tack of throwing the Republicans under the bus, in order to save his own sorry ass if the unthinkable happens this November, is just beyond the pale. I cannot idly sit by and let him not only humanize the Democrats Hillary and Barack, but also tear down our one and only hope for the party, Mike Huckabee.

I am now going to use my considerable power as a blogger to come to bear against you, Mr. Luntz. Please consider this your notice, Frank. You are now officially and permanently on my Evildoers List. May God have mercy on your soul.

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Faggot Please

One of the great things about having a blog is you get a chance to troll across the Internets and read all kinds of blogs. Some of these blogs are great, presenting wonderful conservative views, and others are terrible, poisoning the minds of the young people, filling them with such liberal ideas as global warming, gays, and abortion.

The latest blog I came across recently is reminiscent of another blog, Balloon Juice, which poses as a gooddoer conservative blog. However, like Balloon Juice, which is written by a self-proclaimed gay Republican, this blog espouses conservative views, but is written by a homo.

Now I totally agree with Aaron on pretty much everything on his blog, Lifelike Pundits. I agree with his hatred of John McCain, who is no liberal. After all, he voted against the tax cuts and a constitutional amendment to protect hetero marriage. And he thinks that anyone who believes in global warming is part of a cult, like those scientists who believe in evolution, the big bang, or the human genome. But Aaron is now for Mitt Romney. I'm asking you, what kind of a dumb fuck goes from supporting Frederick of Hollywood to supporting Mr. Magic Underpants. Doesn't Aaron watch "Big Love?" Doesn't he understand Mittens is part of an evil cult, which goes around brain washing children and showing porn in Marriots across the nation?

Now I am very supportive of Aaron's views that gays should not be allowed to marry--especially Blanca, but that is another story. And I agree whole heartedly with him that gays should not be permitted to have children. And I appreciate most of his conservative views. But, faggot please. Who asked you to join our party?

Look, we've had to let in some blacks just to keep Condi and Colin happy. But at least these blacks have had the decency not to be black in public. They don't go around asking for mother fucking iced tea in restaurants, and they appear to have absolutely no empathy for their own kind. That's what makes them tolerable.

And we have had to let in some religions other than just pure Christians. But at least the Liebermans of the party have agreed not to wear any symbols of their religion around any of us, as not to offend us. It is just the Christian thing to do.

But I will be damned if we are going to let any more of you sexual deviants in this party unless you agree that a homo is better not seen nor heard. Look, it is not enough to be against gay marriage or gay adoption. You also have to be against gay sex. If you expect to pull the full party line and be permitted into the pavilion, you have to agree to give up the wretched sin you call a lifestyle. Until then, we would kindly appreciate it if you kept your distance from the rear entrance. Later on today, we have several Negroes who are going to make a couple of deliveries there. They are going to hang around just long enough to permit us a couple of photo ops--you know the kind, where Commander Guy puts his arm around a black child, just to show he doesn't think it rubs off.

So Aaron, unless you are willing to stop having gay sex, and are ready to condemn all the other homos in the world, we would greatly appreciate it if you would just put on a jock strap and get on one of those gay pride floats and dance with all the other go go boys. You're not good for anything else, and are not welcome in my Republican Party.

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In Praise of Amy Holmes

I was watching "Real Time with Bill Maher" last week, and I ran across this darling gem of a woman. A blithe little lady, with nappy hair, and a glow-in-the-dark smile, came across as a jovial, almost effervescent Negress. She sat there, across from all those liberals, and stood her ground. She didn't waver once when those evil Richard Belzer and Herbie Hancock presented her with lie after liberal lie.

I most enjoyed her little segment in the hair salon in Los Angeles, where she interviewed a bevy of black beauties on their political leanings. To a woman, they all seemed to be behind Barack Obama. Amy asked drilling questions, trying to discern if the black babes were conflicted between a woman, Hillary Clinton, and a black, Barack Obama. And even after they gave her that look, which can only mean "is that hair weave cutting off the circulation to your brain," Amy kept pushing forward, trying to find the breaking point in their support for their fellow Nubian.

But the best part of the segment was when Amy came out of the closet as a conservative to the ladies in the salon. You could tell they had never seen a black Republican, at least in person. I am assuming they must have television sets, so they must have at least seen Condi on TV. I guess making the assumption that a bunch of welfare moms would have television sets is a bit presumptuous. But we really must have more faith in our fellow humans, even the lazy shiftless ones.

I love Amy. There is something almost infectious about her undying obsequious obedience to a party, which generally either ignores her race, throws it to the meat grinder that is Iraq, or lets its black ass drown in New Orleans. I mean I really admired how she was able to push aside racial hatred, and down right pathological xenophobia in her job as speech writer for Trent Lott. I mean it takes a lot of Chutzpah to support a movement, which is hell bent on kicking you back from the lunch counter and shoving you to the back of the bus.

And it takes a lot of denial to blame the liberals for all your woes, when without them, you would never be permitted to sit next to white men on television. Well, actually I think Herbie would have been the first to be lynched, sitting next to Martha Raddatz.

And it takes a lot of selective reasoning to deny the racist past of a religion like Mormonism and to throw your full support behind one of the whitest men in the race. Actually, I am not sure, which one is whiter, Mittens or Johnny McOld Guy.

I just love me some Amy Holmes something fierce. I think she is a credit to her race, and I admire her for being able to overcome her being black and becoming a real contributing member of society. Now if I can only get her to come in on Tuesdays to clean my house, I will be completely happy.

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