An Open Email to Karl Rove

to: karlrove@foxnews.com
from: blancadebree@gmail.com
re: what you have done to us all

When I watch Fox News, I no longer see that wonderful pudgy, pasty, white face, set in a head all-too-bald and way-too-small for a normal homo sapien sapien. The twinkle has left your eye, and the shine gone from your teeth. Of course your giant bald head still glows with the massive amounts of sweat you secrete. You know sweat is a sign of lying. I really think you need to work on that in the months to come. I also would work hard on holding onto wet soap in the shower and shielding my nether regions from guys with tattoos and bandannas.

I guess your sad demeanor is due to the giant cluster fuck we now find the Republicand party in and the daily attacks on our beloved Commander Dude.

I put the blame squarely on you, lard ass. Now don't misconstrue my words. Lard ass is a term of endearment, like fat fuck, shit for brains, and dumb dick. Like the Decider, my nick names often have bite to them. But then you would already know that, wouldn't you, Turd Blossom?

You see I blame you for the current sorry state of affairs of our party and the miserable approval rating of Commander Guy. You should have known when you left his side that he would be bereft and unable to function. And like the good guardian you were, you should have known that leaving the President alone with his thoughts was like leaving a spastic, retarded, criminally insane monkey alone with a box of matches and a five gallon can of gasoline. But you left anyway, to "spend more time with your family," or to "fuck little boys," or whatever shit you do when you aren't holding Dear Leader's leash.

So here we are, with not a hope in hell of holding the White House or stemming the hemmorhage, which is the death nell of the Republican Party. And it is all because of you. You left our Commander Guy high and dry just when he needed you most.

So get off that high horse, or prepubescent boy, or whatever the hell your are riding these days, and get your ass back to Washington to set these things straight. You have to put yourself right to work, just like you did when you stole, I mean cleverly won, the 2000 and 2004 elections. We need you to help raise the Decider from the giant hole he dug for himself, and for his country. And we need you to help muckrake again, destroying Obama. Then again, if you do that, we might end up with a McCain Presidency. On second thought, just work on helping out the President. I'll leave the fate of McCain up to God.

So you see, you really have no choice. You have to help your President and nation out in their hour of need. If you don't, I'm afraid I will be forced to let everyone know what you do when you're not raking Democrats over the coals. And let's just say it would make Larry Sinclair blush.

Sphere: Related Content

A Review of War, Inc.

So my puki pal, Michelle Malkin, dragged me out to see a new movie with John and Joan Cusack. I thought it was worth a lark. Watching movies with the Cusack's brings back fond memories of my childhood. We asked Ann Coulter along, but she said if she wanted to relive her childhood, she would stare at the jar they put her junk in when they removed it so many years ago and made her the woman--ahem--she is today.

I was told War, Inc. was a satire, a sendup of the War in Iraq. But I honesty didn't get it. I found it to be a reasonable treatise of how a war could be waged by a corporation headed by the Vice President. It really didn't seem all that funny to me. On the contrary, it gave me a lot of ideas of how we could improve the war, by getting rid of soldiers altogether, using Halliburton troops, and sell advertising on tanks.

The last time I had this much disatisfaction at the movies was during one of our many girl nights. Laura Ingraham came over and said we were going to watch a movie. For the next two hours she tried to shove a DVD into my VCR. I finally smacked the bitch over the head with a copy of Power to the People I was using to shimmy up the lopsided end of the couch.

After I finally wrestled the disc from Michelle, who was staring at the shiny side like some retarded minah bird, I placed the movie in the player and pressed play.

I went out into the kitchen to make some popcorn, you know the kind, the stuff with the pour on butter. Ann loves that stuff. She usually ends up with butter all over her. She then lets the dog lick off the excess. Sometimes I think she is purposely trying to be messy. You can't tell me all the popcorn makes it up her hoo ha by accident.

When I came back in the room, I took my place on the couch and watched with the others. After about an hour, I screamed at Laura, "hey, I thought we were going to watch a movie. Why are we watching Fox News?"

Laura turned to me and said, "this is the movie. It's called Network."

I thought Faye Dunaway looked too good to be Laura.

But I digress.

The movie yesterday just didn't seem all that funny to me. Even the scene, which I normally would find knee-slapping funny, where they shoot down a bunch of unarmed civilians, just wasn't that humorous. Maybe I just don't get the joke. You know, I would have thought they could have gotten a lot of material from Iraq. From what I hear--having never been there like most right wingers who talk on authority about the subject--it is a real blast. It's so great that our troops keep getting themselves stop lossed just to keep going back.

And that is why the GI Bill is so evil. It would stop them from going time and time again, and make them take a break for an education. Don't Americans understand that education is not for the masses, and certainly not for the troops. It is for those at the top, the ones who trick the rest of the schmucks into voting for school vouchers, which ruin their schools, but let us send our brats to private academies on their dime.

So all-in-all, the film was not all that good. Sure, it featured mercenaries and terrorists, bombs and amputees, and even a Dan Aykroyd-cum-Dick Cheney, sitting on a toilet, but it wasn't as funny as the real thing.

You know, I may hate John McCain with all my passion, but at least I agree with him on one thing. I hope we are in Iraq for 100 years!

Sphere: Related Content

Jesse Helms is Dead

Jesse Helms, that original raconteur, southern gentleman, and the perpetually-obsessed with gay pornographic art darling of the Republican party has joined his fellow pasty white overweight, slightly effeminate--and perhaps just a bit gay--conservatives in that bastion of conservationism called Heaven. And he will be spending eternity dancing away in that trendy nightclub, denouncing erotic art, pulling chairs out from ballerinas, breaking little children's hearts by smashing their school-funding provided musical instruments, and generally being a bellicose bitch to everyone else in the club. And just like the eponymous nightclub in a trendy part of London I am sure he frequented, albeit incognito, eventually he will be bounced for just pissing off one too many artsy types.

Right now, I am sure he is fingering Michelangelo, accusing him of perversion for painting too many way too hot men in the buff. And I am sure he is searching down the original David to give him a piece of his mind. Yes, I can just see the exchange now, Jessie bent over an original casting of The Thinker, pants hiked down around his ankles, and taking it up the old Hershey Highway, while forcing teenage boys to watch, lest they become tempted by such recreation.

And then it will be off to the salon, where Jessie will find such sinners as Bessie Smith and Robert Maplethorpe. He might even reach out to Aristotle and Plato, and ask to be shown the many meanings of love. I can just hear his oral treatise of the matter. And although some may have accused him of being too anal about his crusades, many in Heaven will find the only way to stop him is to beat him into submission. Oh, Yes! Beat him, again, again, and again! Just don't forget the safety word. Mizrahi!

Yes, Heaven will be a much richer place for Jesse Helms. I just hope he remembers to clean up all that Santorum.

Jesse Helms, totally dead, at age 86.

Sphere: Related Content

Obama is Running for Bush's Third Term

The Wall Street Journal, that paper of financial record and my daily source for the page three girl, topless save for strategically-placed Krugerrands, has written that Barack Obama is running for George W. Bush's third term.

Well, since John McCain has distanced himself from Commander Guy, I have been looking for another candidate, whom I can support in the November. It looks like the Colored guy, may finally fit the bill. Who knew?

Well, of course then again, it seems that John McCain is trying to get back in my good graces by selecting Steve Schmidt to fix his broken campaign. Normally I would welcome this as a move in the right direction, but we are talking about flippity flop McCain now, aren't we?

And then there was the recent revelation from General Wesley Clark, that sitting on your ass in a POW camp is not something that makes you a good leader. After all, I thought the whole point was not to get captured. Sounds like McCain was just as lazy as Frederick of Hollywood back then and didn't want to do his fair share in Vietnam.

No, once again, we are reminded as conservatives that if you cannot vote for Bob Barr, you must vote for Barack Obama, who will continue Bush's third term, according to the WSJ, and if you don't include raising the taxes on the super rich, investing in science, energy independence, getting out of Iraq, and restoring our nation's respect abroad.

Yep, just like Bush's third term.

Sphere: Related Content