Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Master D-Bater

Tonight we will know who will be the next President of the United States.  While it is doubtful either candidate will offer any comprehensive solutions for the economic meltdown, one of the candidates will show his mettle tonight.  One of the candidates will expose himself for the naked emperor he is.  One candidate will go for the jugular and will attempt to turn the page on the economy by bringing up associations and innuendos.

While pinpointing the exact moment when a campaign falters is up to historians, perhaps two moments--one this afternoon and another tonight--will be seen as the Midway of this election.  The DOW fell 500 points, to a level not seen in five years.  The fear is palpable as 60% of the nation now believes we are headed for a depression.  And according to the definition, we may already be in one.  And the McCain campaign wants to turn the page.

McCain will attack Obama tonight.  That is clear.  What is not clear is how the audience of 100 undecided--read independent--voters will react.

If the audience asks too many questions about Ayers, then it goes in McCain's favor--for the night.  But within the days to come, the general population will condemn McCain and will flock to Obama.  However, if there are few or no questions about Obama's alleged past, then McCain will be destroyed if he brings it up.

The nation wants answers as to what each candidate will do to fix this mess.  Placing blame on anyone other than those whom are already blamed--read Bush and the Republicans--will spell disaster.  To distract will spell disaster.  To foment about already-debunked accusations will spell disaster.

McCain is a testy, angry old man.  Tonight he may lose his temper.  Tonight he may get mad.  Tonight he may do a David Banner.

But what is certain is tonight McCain will lose the election.

Unless McCain comes out explaining how his support of deregulation was wrong, and how Bush caused the pain, and how his support of the week-old bailout was a mistake, he has lost.

Unless McCain quits his campaign, fires Palin, or finds economic Jesus, he has lost.

Tonight's the night.

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

A-Palin

Palin and McCain have ratcheted up the negative attacks this weekend, bringing into question Obama's "associations" with a former "terrorist." While Blanca loves nothing more than negative campaigning, it does help when the allegations have some sort of foundation in reality and not in the surreal landscape of the Land of the Midnight Sun.

Specifically, Palin has brought up a previously-debunked attack on Obama's character, tying him with William Ayers, a member of the Weatherman. This tenuous connection between the former 60's radical and Barack Obama has been disected and disproven before. Indeed the only affiliation between Ayers and Obama appears to be that both men served on the same board of a non-profit in Chicago and that Ayers donated $200 to a previous Obama campaign. Not exactly what I would call a rock solid basis for an attack.

Palin doesn't seem to understand that people in glass houses should be careful where they hurl insults and attacks. When it comes to integrity and experience, Caribou Barbie has less of a leg to stand on than Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars. Indeed, the Bitch from Nowhere, is skating on global-warmed thin ice.

Not that I am trying to give Obama any ideas, but Palin's questionable associations are cannon fodder, and her past is rife with suspicious activity. Case in point, here are a few of Palin's past flirtations with evil.

Sarah Palin is from Alaska. Alaska is next to Russia--as Palin has used as evidence of her foreign policy experience in the past. Stalin was a dictator of Russia. Obviously Palin is soft on dictators, since she did not use her proximity to the Great Bear to put an end to Stalin's reign of terror. Palin tolerates dictators.

Sarah Palin wears panties. Eva Braun also wore panties. Eva Braun was the lover of German Führer Adolf Hilter. Sarah Palin obvisouly is very much like Eva Braun. Sarah Palin loves Adolf Hilter.

Sarah Palin loves Israel. Jesus Christ lived in Israel. Jesus Christ was crucified in Israel. Sarah Palin loves crucifiction. Sarah Palin wants to kill our Lord and Savior.

See, Sarah, you better be careful. If you don't watch yourself these kind of attacks could come your way. So, for the sake of the party, use something called a fact checker before opening your lipstick-besmirched mouth.

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Saturday, October 04, 2008

Why the Republicans Have Already Lost the Election

This year the Grand Old Party has fallen into the same trap Democrats have fallen before in the past. In 2004, in an attempt to win against an incumbent President in a time of war, they chose a man with an impeccable war record, a national hero, a man of substance and conviction. And they had their asses handed to them.

Setting aside the maxim to which Karl Rove subscribes of attacking your opponent on his strength, ignoring the Swift Boat Veterans--the greatest contributor of which, T. Boone Pickens is now supporting Barack Obama, if not explicitly at least implicity--and placing aside the miserably candidacy, in which voting for something before voting against it seems to have made him a laughing stock, Kerry suffered from a change in the game.

Banking on the idea that Americans were weary of the war in Iraq, the Democrats chose a decorated military man, who opposed another unpopular war, after bothering to actually show up and serve. But the Republicans were able to frame the argument not as a battle in Iraq, but a war on a greater enemy, namely gay marriage, guns, and God. Essentially every argument was framed around the great battle for God.

Every issue was a moral one, no matter how unrelated. Don't like the Drain Commissioner? Well, did you know Jesus doesn't like the new tax to improve the sewer for Clinton Township? It's true. Jesus hates concrete embankments. I found it in the Bible. Just give me a minute to look it up.

Essentially the Republicans were successful in defanging a military man running against, well let's face it, someone who didn't show up. And they did it by making the war, taxes, even immigration into an battle or morals, where God was right, and those evil liberals were wrong.

And it worked.

This year, in an attempt to win the White House in a year when the brand is so damaged that for Halloween the scariest costume will be an incumbent Republican, the GOP chose a maverick, someone who went against the grain, and someone who could be considered an expert on war. You see, back in the winter months, Iraq was of utmost importance. And the Republicans thought they had a winner in John McCain.

The Democrats all were against the war. They wanted to end the conflict. So to provide a stark contrast, the Republicans chose a man who thought Iraq was the central front in the War on Terrah. They chose someone who was known for his opposition to his own party in the past. They chose John McCain.

But something funny happened on the way to the general. McCain needed to get elected, so he steered to the right. Then, after he clinched the nomination, he needed money, so he tacked along with the neocons. Then, seeing his stock plummeting, he went for a religious nut, and unknown, who could be cast in any light you wish. And it worked.

For two weeks.

But something even funnier happened in September. The economy imploded. The market dropped nearly 800 points, and the country collectively shit its pants. Suddenly the man who understood war and was a steady and safe choice in a time of terror was the loose hinge, the missing screw, the broken latch. A man who confessed he didn't understand the economy, whose own economic adviser called this a mental recession, was pulling tricks to distract from his inability to handle the crisis.

And now with just 30 days to go before the general McCain is throwing dirt. He is trying to shift the subject from his inability to understand and address this meltdown to tenuous associations of his opponent, Barack Obama. And he is opening himself up for a take down not seen since Reagan-Mondale.

McCain has been losing moderates since the first Presidential debate. After the Palin-Biden matchup, even more moderates are jumping ship. While Palin did not fall flat on her face, she sounded less Presidential than Biden, and for those not already hooked on the Kool-Aid, she lost.

And now come desperate attacks, laced with racial overtones. McCain and Palin are chancing what few independents they still have. In short, by shoring up their base, they are alienating everyone else.

And you just can't win the White House with the insanely stupid, racist, rapture crowd any more.

With just 30 days to go, Obama is up about 6 points on average. He now is within 5 Electoral College votes of winning. With states like Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Colorado, and Nevada trending for Obama, McCain cannot afford to lose any moderate votes--not in a year when Democrats out poll Republicans by 10 points. But by going so negative and not addressing the actual issues Americans are concerned about--jobs, the economy, the stock market--McCain is making it possible for what was considered a few months ago impossible: a 10 point win by Obama of McCain.

The next 72 hours will show if Americans are willing to suspend their own self-interests at a time of national economic crisis to believe baseless attacks by a flailing campaign or will shift even farther away from McCain, cementing Obama's lead so much that McCain cannot win.

Time will tell. It's 71:59:59 and counting.

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

Why Palin Has Already Lost the Debate

A lot of hay has been made over the soft bigotry of lowered expectations. Some conservatives, notably Kay and Pat Buchanon, have jumped to the defense of Sarah Palin, screaming for McCain to let Sarah be Sarah. Some have drudged up old video of her debate in Alaska in 2006, where she went up against an incumbent governor and appears to have held her own. Still others warn not to underestimate the governor from The Last Frontier. But most of these people are morons.

Here is why Sarah Palin has already lost the debate against Joe Biden and has basically tanked McCain's already dismal chances at being Commander-in-Chief one last time before he drops dead, most likely sometime early next year.

Tina Fey's impression of Palin is now more famous than Sarah's own persona. While Kerry was dull and Gore was somnorific, the impressions of them done by commedians are forgetable. In fact, other than that guy from Mad TV, I can't remember anyone doing either of these two.

Now flash back to Dana Carvy's impression of Bush or Norm MacDonald's Bob Dole. Their impressions of the candidates became more popular than the candidates themselves. For millions who hated both politicians, their Doppelgängers were delicious distractions.

Because it has been McCain who has censored the Wicked Ditz from the West, we have seen little of her actual interactions with the press. But we have all seen Fey's dead-on head-on send-up of the little governor who couldn't.

If you watch the little footage available of Palin before the rest of us in the other 49 far more important states got to see her, she looks poised, sounds coherent, and is obviously Palin before she became a Wasilla Stepford Wife--the original where the wives became robots, not the remake where, well I have no idea what the hell they were.

Just as Data from Star Trek could not form contractions, Palin's android cannot talk without flattening her A's more than the plains of the Northern Slope.

The Artificial Palin also has great difficulty accessing files from memory and on constructing coherent sentences. The last example we have of a similar model was Miss South Carolina, who was shortly returned to the factory for dismantling after her horrific performance on a geography question.

Palin will continue to perform as we have seen. She is not the Palin of 2006. After the Right Wing got ahold of her and exorcised her at her church, she became incapable of coherent thought. Sure, she was able to function with Sean Hannity on Fox News, but Sean probably faxed her the questions and answers ahead of time. When you see the Moose in the Headlights stare she gave Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, you realize how truly lost Palin is on the worldwide stage.

Unless she manages a hit out of the park, Palin has lost. Her damaged image can only be repaired by such a stellar performance that millions say "my God, she is a fucking genius."

Now just ask yourself: what kind of answers could she give at this point, which would make you say such a thing?

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