End of Days

There are a lot of signs that we are living in the end times.

Bill O'Reilly has announced that he is ending his Pulitzer Prize winning radio show. He has announced that he needs to spend more time working on his Nobel Prize winning television show. He also plans to spend more time with his loofah.

Alan Colmes decided to end his stint on the always entertaining Hannity and Colmes, a gay sex comedy in news magazine format. He plans to continue working at Fox News, although it is unsure whose bitch or whipping boy he will be. Roger Ailes already has a male prostitute on retainer. And since Brit Hume is leaving, the job of Hume fluffer is no longer needed. Most likely he will be Mort Kondrake's makeup artist, which is a full time job with hazard pay.

O.J. Simpson is going to jail for like 30 years even though he like totally didn't kill Nicole or Ron Goldman. Instead he is going to the slammer for pulling a Boy George and holding a bunch of folk hostage. Yes, he didn't beat the people with a chain or handcuff them to his bed, but he had something even better: a gun!

The Democrats have taken even larger majorities in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Their near lock on power has been cemented with the election of Barack Obama, the most liberal Senator in the history of mankind. This Bolshevik plans to radically socialize our country and push a most liberal agenda. The Black Russian may himself be one of the horsies of the Apocalypse. His brand of Communism sends a shiver down the spines of not only the undead Cindy McCain, but all God-fearing, gay-hating, gun-loving Republican.

Indeed, for the first time in my life, I am afraid of a black guy. Oh, who am I kidding? I have always been afraid of black people!

So it seems rather ironic that the two most rapture-ready candidates in the Republican party are climbing all over each other to see who will get to run for President in 2012.

Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee are both vying to see who will have the pleasure of carrying the conservative, moon bat banner in 2012. But with all the signs pointing to an early departure from this earth, it seems any victory will be a hollow one, with the winner most likely raptured shortly after accepting the nomination and just before God destroys the world for electing such a super commie Massachusetts liberal as Barack Obama.

I guess no one should be surprised that Caribou Barbie and the Huckster are still planning on being the Decider even with the end in sight. We Republicans have always been convenience zealots. We all believe in God, Jesus, the Bible, and Armageddon--the final conflict of man, not the crappy Bruce Willis vehicle. But when it comes to grabbing more power or making a buck, we can conveniently forget whatever admonitions or commandments God has laid down for us.

Sure, we may say that it is just a fortnight before Jesus returns, but if we have a chance to win back the White House, we can certainly postpone the end until our friends at Halliburton have amassed an even greater fortune on the backs of the idjits who keep voting for us.

That's just the beauty of being a Republican. We can pick and choose what we listen to in the Bible. Although most of us really would like to take advantage of the stoning and the slavery parts of Leviticus, we really shy away from the whole shellfish and mixed fabrics thing. There is nothing I like more than stuffing my face with a shrimp cocktail while wearing nice cotton blends.

And we really push the whole man not lying with man thing, even though Jesus said bupkis about it, and the complete lack of mention of carpet munching makes the whole thing ring kind of hollow. But we don't bother with the whole ban on cheeseburgers, and God knows we certainly don't pay one lick of attention to any of that crap about helping the poor and shit.

So you shouldn't be astonished when we push the end of the world in order to scare dumb inbred goofs in Mississippi and West Virginia to vote for our agenda, but quickly forget about it when making our long-term plans.

Hell, deep down we don't believe any of it. All we really care about is selectively using the Bible to get our own way, like a Central American dictator who quotes the Bible as proof of his divine authority, or the priest who uses it to ply the pants off an alter boy.

But you shouldn't get it in your head that this little admission will get you off the hook. We plan to keep pushing the whole Leviticus thing until Jesus returns and sets up shop in Jersalem (wink wink). And if we do turn out to be right, just think of the real estate opportunities after Jesus throws all the Jews into the sea of fire and all their land can be snatched up for a song.

Here's to a long, long, long, end times.

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Damn that Pesky 14th Amendment!

Resident genius and raconteur Leo Donofrio filed a lawsuit against the State of New Jersey for a stay of the Presidential election back in November, because he believed that Barack Obama was not qualified to be President, by nature of his birth.

His brilliant argument, which is perhaps the finest piece of logic since Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson discussed the sources of terrorism, reasons that because Barack Obama was born to an Kenyan father, that he, himself, has dual citizenship, and therefore cannot be President of the United States.

It is not as far fetched as it may seem. Indeed most legal scholars agreed that there is a provision, which states this very thing. And that provision can be found in Leo Donofrio's ass, because that is where he hatched this whole lame brain scheme.

Maybe this crackpot should call Dennis Kucinich to look at his little Chairman Mao's copy of the Constitution. If he had, he might have realized that Artice II, Section I; the 12th Amendment, and the 25th Amendment makes his little reasoning party null and void.

But Mr. Donofrio is not alone in his trek to unseat the President-elect, and somehow install John McCain as Decider. There are a bevy of lawsuits now working their way through our legal system attempting to ursurp the will of the people and change the outcome of the election.

Trust me, Blanca is attached to several of these. My argument goes, that if the freakin' RHINO's in our party had not been allowed to vote, we would have never had such a miserable choice for President, and we would have won in a landslide. And one of the lawsuits I have filed also calls for Cindy McCain to be euthenized, for no particular reason, other than I hate that bitch for not culling John from the Republican herd years ago.

Most of these lawsuits are even crazier than Donofrio's. Some alledge that Obama faked his birth certificate. Even the drug-addled gas bag Rush Limbaugh accused Obama of flying back to Honolulu during the campaign not to say goodbye to his dying grandmother but to put the fix in and place a forged live birth certificate on file at the hospital.

It should be noted that no one plans to interrupt even a root canal to say goodbye to a dying Rush Limbaugh. Of course with that much fat, no one will know he's dead for at least a year. If he dies on a beach, onlookers and beach combers will most likely attempt to push him back into the ocean, mistaking him for a stranded whale.

Many of those attached with these legal actions are elite members of society and pillars of the community. Of course this community is made entirely of racists, white supremecists, and neo-Nazis, but they are the cream of the crop, nonetheless.

Let me save all you wing nuts some time, before you damage our fragile party even further by making us look like sore losers who want to overturn the voice of the people with the Supreme Court, which we Republicans would never do. Barack Obama was born here. He is a natural born citizen of the United States of America. Hawaii is not a foreign country. It is a state. They even have a Republican for governor.

Crying about the election now is useless. It will not bring us a Republican President. We need to run candidates, who reflect the core traditional values of the party. We need to have candidates, who reflect our the true meaning of Republicanism. We must have a party, which adheres to the ideals, which made our country great.

In other words, we need to run far right, loons, who don't believe in science, think we are in the end times, and he couldn't balance a check book, let alone run a country. Just think of how popular the Decider is. That is why we must reach far back in the Republican closet and bring out our real treasures for 2012. Think Sarah Palin is scary? Try Alan Keyes. How about one of the Buchanons or even Michelle Bachman? And dare I even dream it? How about another Bush? Jeb is waiting in the wings, getting fatter and more depressed by the day. Won't you make his mommy and daddy happy before they die and get to meet Sadam Hussein in person?

Here's to 2012 and all the lunacy it may bring!

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