The Culture War Is Lost; Get Rapture Ready!

Vermont became the fourth state in the Union to legalize gay marriage today, overriding the Republican governor's veto. It was the first state to do so legislatively, and not through activist judges, doing things like judging from the judges bench. Those bastards!

First Massachusetts, then California, then Connecticut, then Iowa, and now Vermont. Sure we managed to fool a lot of black and old people into voting with the heathen Mormons to overturn the gay marriage in California, but it is looking more like that may come to end soon as the California Supremes--not to be confused with the California Raisins--overturn Proposition 8.

The world is coming to an end.

We have a black guy running the country; Europeans love us again; Rush Limbaugh is getting his ass handed to him on his own radio show. I think it's Rapture Time!

Now for those of you who didn't know, the Rapture is a participatory sport. You can't just wait there like some jackass hitching a ride from the Almighty. No, just like the preacher on the teevee says, you have to sow a seed of faith. And just like when God tested Abraham, that seed comes in the form of a 12-gauge shotgun.

Now I can hear all you Christians now. "But isn't suicide murder?"

Shut up, pussies! If you had had the balls you should've this last November, we would be sitting with Sarah Palin in the White House right now, bombing Russia from her front porch and burning books in the back permafrost barbecue. But no, you had to sit this one out, because you weren't too sure about the old man's abilities or the Wasilla Hillbilly's brains. Look, if God had meant the Wicked Ditz of the North to think, he would have put her in a real state, not freakin' Alaska!

In order to show God that you are Rapture Worthy, you need to help the process along a little. You need to get off your ass and shoot yourself for Jesus! God will be waiting for you on the other side, with his white limo and the heavenly choir.

But I can hear some of you out there saying, "How can I trust you, Blanca? How do you know the time and the place, when it says in the Bible no one will know?"

Look, there you go again with your fancy book lernin' and fact pushing. Don't you know a real Christian just feels it from the gut. Just ask Commander Guy. There wasn't a single fact he knew, but he sure felt something in his gut. It may just have been a coincidence that it usually followed taco night at the Crawford Ranch, but he certainly felt something, and it kept Laura up all night.

The time is nigh! The gays are taking over. Obama is taking your guns. Glenn Beck is going to be arrested. Sean Hannity is going to be torn limb from limb by liberals and their Fairness Doctrine. Rush Limbaugh, well, I am surprised that tub of lard is still breathing considering how umbelievably fat he is. My God, that right there is a sign of the Apocolypse: fat man walking!

So let's take one for Jesus, folks. Show your faith, and get raptured in the process. Blow your brains out tonight, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be having breakfast on the lanai with Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gahndi. Oh wait, he was a Hindu. He's in Hell. Wait, I think Mother Teresa was a Catholic. I think they go to Hell, too. Well, it will be just us real Christians, having tea and scones.

Are you Rapture Ready?

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