The Department of Homeland Security Is out to Get Us

I've had writer's block for a few days now. I guess it is the post excitement of the Tea Bagging Parties, which stretched as far as the eye could see across this great nation of ours. I just find myself in a funk, sort of like what you feel on New Year's Day, after the champagne has worn off, and you feel the heaviness of existence hit you smack in the face. As you wander the street, wondering where your panties went, and whose bra your wearing, you step over the vomit and passed out revelers.

Once I spent New Year in Philadelphia, and to the mix was added the Mummers, who can best be described as a cross between gay pride and St. Patrick's Day parades. Just think of drunk "straight" men in drag. They smell awful, but look fabulous in sequins and glam makeup. But I severely digress.

I guess I could get my panties into a wad about the Department of Homeland Security bulletin warning about radical right wing groups growing throughout the nation. But I just can't get myself that worked up about the whole thing. Sure, I could go ape shit crazy like my puki pal, Michelle Malin, but I just can't get that worked up about it. She's a bit paranoid, if you ask me. One time she called me in a panic, saying her toaster was trying to kill her. I explained that it wasn't launching bread projectiles at her, but simply making toast.

Just the other day, she came to me in a tizzy, ranting that Janet Napolitano was out to get her. She said the government was out to get right wing extremists, and that she was high on the list because of her political views. I tried to calm her down, but it really was no use. Usually when she's this crazy, I just dangle a dead chicken in front of her and she sticks her little vampire fangs in the neck and sucks the blood.

I tried to explain to her that the Homeland Security was only looking for radical groups fomenting violence, like White Supremacists and militias trying to overthrow the government. She said that she was guilty by association, because she befriended neo Nazis and KKK members. She reminded me of the time she went to speak at an Aryan Nation meeting. I reminded her of how they chased her out and called her a yellow journalist. They weren't maligning her journalistic skill, but her skin tone.

I recalled the giant cross they burned on her front lawn, and how they told her to get back on the boat and go back to China. She just shrugged and laughed, calling it some good natured horse play. I rolled my eyes the way I do whenever she says something crazy. I roll my eyes so much, that I had to get corrective surgery to put them back in place.

I also reminded Michelle about the groups of anti-abortionists, who were blowing up clinics in the South. Michelle had made a large donation to one of these groups, calling one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. I rolled my eyes again, and this time they got stuck for a minute or two.

When I finally knocked my eyes back in place by hitting myself over the head with a telephone book, I saw Michelle had moved into the bedroom. When I caught up with her again, she was trying on her Nazi uniform. I suggested that it might not be a good idea to walk out of the house like that. She just looked at me with confusion in her eyes. She asked if her slip was showing or something.

But Michelle is not alone. Even the chairman of the Republican National Party seems to be worried about being spied upon by the DHS. To be fair to Michael Steele, I am sure his paranoia is based on reality. I am sure she has been followed around a Korean convenience store more than once. But I thought his panties were in a bunch more than usual this week.

But I just can't get myself worked up about this whole thing. Call me crazy, but I think if I don't hang out with Nazis and terrorists, and don't carry a sign calling for the assassination of political officials, I don't have anything to worry about. I guess if you have nothing to hide, you really shouldn't worry whose watching you.

Or at least that's how I remember the argument a couple of years ago.

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