In Praise of Opposite Marriage

The Miss USA Pageant was rocked this week when Perez Hilton, that Internets scalawag, asked Miss California, Carrie Prajean, whether she supported same sex marriage. In an answer reminiscent of last year's "some US Americans don't have maps" answer from Miss South Carolina, the teen walking billboard to keep abortion legal and prevent smoking during pregnancy, started to meander down the briar patch, which is her mind, uncluttered by facts and figures, but chocked full of subordinate clauses strung together in a fashion, which would make even Sarah Palin gasp in horror.

While I certainly support Miss California for her courage to stamp out the scourge of the gay, I would appreciate it if the blondie could have done it more eloquently. First she says that she is happy to live in a country where we are free to make choices between same sex and opposite marriage. Um, honey, not even the Pope thinks it's a choice anymore. Secondly, we don't want people to be free to choose, that's why we're shoving our theology and homophobia down their throats, so we can scare just enough imbeciles into voting for Republicans again. And finally, if you are going to gay bash, don't do it with a stupid grin on your face. It really detracts from the whole effect.

I was happy to see, however, that Miss California helped to dispel the misconception that complete morons exist only in the South. I must applaud Miss North Carolina for standing up to bat and demonstrating how Southerners can actually think and chew gum and the same time. Well, to be quite honest, I have no idea what her answer was, because the shock of Miss California's stupid answer sucked all the air out of the room, so there was no medium through which the sound waves could travel. But I am sure she did us proud.

Now don't get me wrong. As I have said before, I support Carrie Prajean's views wholeheartedly. I think it is very important to support "opposite marriage." Of course, in the real world, where most of us do not have the intelligence of dog stool, it is called "traditional marriage."

Of course "traditional" is all a matter of opinion. In some places, it is between one man and one woman, and in others, it is between one man and multiple women. And in some parts of the country, shotgun weddings are still commonplace, although they seem to be less frequent in parts of Alaska these days.

And sometimes people get married while drunk in Vegas or as part of some insipid game show, but is important not to subtract from these marriages by letting loving, committed couples from enjoying the same legal benefits as some trailer park white trash or inbred hillbilly.

But let's see if next time we can find someone more articulate to defend our bigoted position. I mean first we had the incredibly inane National Organziation for Marriage with their "It's Raining Men" video, and now this. Come one guys, we gotta make hatred hip again. Put some effort into it. We are losing the culture war.

But at least we seem to be winning the war on brains.

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