When Will Gay Republicans Learn?

I was watching the teevee on Friday night, sipping my martini, and getting a foot rub from my puki pal Michelle Malkin, when we decided to change the channel from the 24-hour All Nude News Network to HBO. We like to watch Bill Maher, because, like my gal pal Ann Coulter, we may complain incessently about the liberals and homos and all, but we sure like to hang out with them.

As soon as Joe the Plumber got off the stage, and Bill Maher walked over to his three-man panel, I knew we were in for a long night. Nestled in between Sam Donaldson and David Frum was that diminutive little Reihan Salam.

Salam was helping Frum state the conservative point of view. Actually Frum was looking a little like a deer caught in headlights, as he struggled to make one cogent argument. He was bitch slapped several times by the 75-year-old Sam Donaldson. I thought at one point he was going to cry. If it weren't for the steady, swarthy hand of Salam, Frum surely would have floundered.

When did the Republican party become so desperate that we had to get a gay Bangledeshi to defend it?

Now don't get me wrong, we Republicans don't have anything against the gays.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding, we have everything against the gays. Our whole party platform in 2008 was completely lifted from Leviticus. I'm surprised we didn't bring back stoning.

We have made it abundantly clear that we don't want these degenerates in our party, but they keep coming back. I mean look at all the homos we have had in the party. Some of the Republicans loudest supporters are gay.

Matt Drudge is a flaming queen, whose fetish for fedoras has created a whole new porn subculture on the Internets.

Then there is that Tony Perkins, the religious conservative who heads the Family Research Council, which is nothing more than a speakeasy for anonymous gay sex inside the Beltway.

And most recently, the rumors and allegations of Sean Hannity's sexual proclivities have made it quite clear that Sean Hannity is gay. The stories of his sexual escapades on the set of his Fox News show have led some male interns to fear for their virginity.

How much longer do we have to put up with all of these gays in our party? Why don't they just leave? Can't they take a hint? I mean how many bigotted amendments do we have to sponsor before they get the message and quit? I mean we took away their rights to adopt children in places like Florida and Arkansas. We took away their right to get married in California and Arizona. We even could lock them up for consentual sex before the Supremes knocked that little gem down in 2003.

To paraphrase the house in Amityville Horror, "get out!"

Don't these guys understand that tolerance makes Baby Jesus cry?

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