That lovable shotgun-to-the-face ex-Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney is at it again, touring the country with his ragtag fleet of misfits, selling his tonics and potions on the teevee like the snake oil salesmen of days gone by. But this time he isn't selling yellow cake uranium or "slam dunk" ties between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda. This time around he's selling that American dream of a ticking clock, Jack Bauer, some dunking and a drowning, and the disclosure of the location of the nuke within the 44 minutes it takes to go to final commercial.With Dick it's become a family affair, with his dragging along his wife and daughter--the normal hetero one, not the icky lesbo--to get his back as the questions get tough, and he is required to provide proof to his allegations. OK, it's not so much proof as just his normal grunting and heavy breathing reminiscent of a dirty phone call from Darth Vader. But who needs evidence when the guy from the team who told us where to find all those weapons of mass destruction tells you to believe him. I mean this guy's track record is impeccable.
If Dick wasn't telling us about the iron clad connection between Mohamed Atta and Hussein's super secret weapons program via Czechoslovakia--nine years after the counry ceased to exist--he and his gang of dogooders were sewing yarns about the super solvency of the credit market and absolute stability of the banking system.
Yes, Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney never missed a beat. Well, he missed several heartbeats, enough times that he slept in a coffin, but as far as intelligence went, this man was second to only George W. Bush in accuracy.
Just weeks after being wheeled out onto the Capitol steps for the last time looking like an even frailer version of Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life, Cheney was back on the talk show circuit talking up torture like the Shamwow guy tries to sell you absorbant rags for an RV you don't even own. For a man who could never be found, hiding in his nondisclosed location for nearly the entire duration of his eight-year reign as Number Two, the man just can't shut up now.
But I guess we do have to give Mr. Cheney credit for keeping up safe all those years. We were not hit once in those eight years he was at the helm, or at least silently guiding the hand of the guy at the helm when he was too drunk to steer, put his hand on the wheel, or even find the bridge. I mean the only time we were hit was that unfortunate incident on September 11, 2001. But he couldn't be faulted for that. This was before we started torturing, so there was no way he could have ever found out about it. He would have had to have had ESP or at least the ability to read a Presidential Daily Briefing or listen to an FBI field agent.
Torture kept us safe by providing valuable information preventing another attack, or at least providing an invaluable link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. In fact it was so successful, they waterboarded one guy 183 times in one month. You could even say that if it weren't for torture, we never would have gotten into Iraq in the first place. And what kind of a world would this be with 5,000 more Americans alive and kicking in it?
While Mr. Cheney might not have known dick about the economy, he was dead on when it came to torture and using torture to keep us safe from the ticking time bomb, which was the imaginary and wholly illusionary link between 9/11 and Iraq. Cheney's creative reading of such quaint documents as the Geneva Convention and goddamn pieces of paper like the Constitution, have helped us build the case for war and kept us safe from all those evildoers everywhere--except for the guys who blew up buses in London, trains in Madrid, nightclubs in Bali, beheaded journalists in the Middle East, and kept killing our soldiers using the type of road side improvised explosive devices, which would make Popular Mechanics proud.
Mr. Five-Time "I've Got Better Things to Do" Deferment Cheney knows the horrors of battle well, and would only send our soldiers into harm's way based on sound intelligence, checked, double checked, and finally triple checked. He would never endanger the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans based on the desperate utterances of a man believing he was drowning, seeking any way to relieve the pain, no matter how fanciful the tale or fictitious the story. Not our Dick.
When Mr. Cheney condemns our President's strategy in the fight against terrorism, he isn't just playing politics. He is doing it to protect not only us, but more importantly, himself. You see, it seems there are a bunch of folk out there who think that we do not torture. They are misguided by quaint ideas like morals and Christian ethics. They don't know that if we don't torture, then the terrorists win. They live in ivory towers, also known as the front lines, and are under the mistaken idea that if we condone torture, then we have no standing to condemn others who torture. If you ask me on this Memorial Day, they are just a bunch of pussies.
Cheney is playing for his life, delivering a performance worthy of an Oscar, as he attempts to keep himself away from prying eyes, who would investigate who tortured whom. Look, we all know it takes two to torture, one to do the torture, and one to sit there and be tortured. At least that is how the whole S&M thing works between Sean Hannity and Geraldo Rivera. So there is plenty of blame to go around. I mean if someone claims he was tortured, like some 12-year-old boy getting sodomized, can't we all just agree he was asking for it like the woman who gets brutally raped for dressing pretty?
We owe it to Mr. Cheney to get his back after he got our backs, and mail, and phone calls, and email, and financial data for the last seven years. Just remember the next time he tells us we are all going to die because we now know what he was up to for those seven years, that he is only doing this to protect us all from the boogie man, which appears to no longer be some bearded guy in a cave in Pakistan, but is now some black guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
So here's to that big Dick for keeping us safe and protecting his ass. Let's hope this world tour of torture lasts a long time. Mr. Cheney, might I suggest you take this road trip international? What do you say to Spain? Sphere: Related Content
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