An Open Letter to Maggie Gallagher, President, NOM (National Organization for Marriage)

Dear Maggie:

I wanted to write you to thank you for your latest effort to protect opposite marriage from the icky gay. This newest campaign uses our most precious resources—already born and usually neglected children—to hammer the dangers of the same marriage home to everyone, who may not being paying enough attention to the gays now that the economy has collapsed and they are more concerned with their own problems.

Your new video showing how the homo marriage makes children all confused is sheer brilliance. This is how we get people to support hate, by making them think of the children. But just remember, while you can get people to think about the children, you should never get them to actually pay for the children. That would be socialism, and would make Baby Jesus get all cranky and cry.

The last thing we want to do is confuse children. That would be like telling them a story about a man who lives at the North Pole with magical powers who can visit all the homes of the world in one night, and then pulling the rug out from them when they are too old for Tonka trucks, anymore. If we get their hopes up about this lie, only to dash their dreams, what can we expect to think of all of the stories we tell them about Jesus?

To expect children to discern fact from fiction is just wrong. It would be like telling them babies come from storks when they are young, and then expecting them to just latch onto any crazy idea like condoms prevent pregnancy and STD’s or you can't get a venereal disease from a toilet seat. Is it any wonder why the fool-proof abstinence-only method seems to be failing the easily confused and frail of mind like Bristol Palin?

And children cannot tell right from wrong. We can’t confuse their little minds with mixed messages, like stealing and killing is wrong, but let’s go on a fun-filled adventure called Operation Iraqi Liberation. That would just mess with this little heads and fragile minds, and would make it ultimately more difficult to get them to vote against their own best interests when they become adults.

Because of your undying dedication to the prevention of confusion in children, I would like to invite you into a very exclusive club. This clubs founding members, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter, have worked tirelessly to make sure that when we do talk to our children, it is devoid of any fact, which could later on be contradicted and could bite us in the ass. This Tales Without Any Truth club is dedicated to people like you, who work nonstop to make sure kids get the facts, any facts, doesn’t even matter if they really are facts, just as long as they support whatever bigoted initiative we have going on at the moment.

While your efforts have paid off, you cannot expect to be able to immediately place yourself on the same level as Malkin or Coulter in the club. But rest assured, in no time, you will be the head T.W.A.T. member, and you will be able to proudly tell everyone what a giant T.W.A.T. you are.

God bless you! Of course, seeing that you may have broken a couple of Commandments, e.g., bearing false witness, lying, and coveting (face it honey, you are one of them and are just jealous), you are probably going to hell anyway.

Sincerely,

Blanca DeBree

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