An Open Letter to the People of California

Dear Californians:

Now that we have seen how easy it is to pass an amendment to your state's constitution, basically taking away rights guaranteed by other parts of the same document, I would like to offer my suggestion for some amendments I believe have been a long time coming.

One particular bee in my bonnet is old people. Old people just sit around all day, converting oxygen, and creating massive heaps of excrement. In a way, they are not unlike the elephant, that revered symbol of the Republican Party. Come to think of it, they are not that unlike Republicans lately.

They offer nothing to society, other than long irritating stories, which go nowhere. They sit watching television all day, and write letters to the editor complaining about how wonderful life was before they invented writing. In short, they are little more than a key ingredient in Soylent Green.

So I would like to offer an amendment, which would essentially strip them of their rights, so we can just cart them away to basically live out the rest of their lives on some island, far from the rest of us. I am sure the amendment will pass easily, since you only need 50% + 1 to pass in California. There are fewer than 6,000,000 old people in the state with a population of almost 38,000,000.

And once we have gotten rid of all those old people, we can turn our attention to another pressing matter: people with accents. Almost 43% of Californians do not speak English as a first language. I would like to change that. The next amendment I propose would strip them of their citizenship, and make the state a lot more gentle on the ears. I think it's just great how you don't have to get a super majority to just rip the rug out from someone in California.

And once we have cleaned up at that noise pollution, then we can really clean up the complexion of California by getting rid of that 39.6% of the population, which is not white. Now we won't just send them off to some island or strip them of citizenship. Rest assured, that they will continue to be 3/5 people as they become part of the rainbow coalition of slaves working the fields and gardens of California. Isn't majority tyranny fun?

And one more group will have to go right before we change the name from California to Flower Pot, since Spanish will be illegal. The Mormons have got to go. They make up less than 530,000, so it will be really easy to get this amendment passed. Taking a cue from the Japanese Interment, we'll just put them in camps and confiscate their property. I've had my eye on the three houses from Big Love. I guess we can let Nikki stay, as long as she promises to give free sex shows.

Once again, California, I mean Flower Pot, I want to thank you for showing the rest of the country the way. By the time we are done with that state, it will look like, well, Iowa.

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