The Culture War Is Lost; Get Rapture Ready!

Vermont became the fourth state in the Union to legalize gay marriage today, overriding the Republican governor's veto. It was the first state to do so legislatively, and not through activist judges, doing things like judging from the judges bench. Those bastards!

First Massachusetts, then California, then Connecticut, then Iowa, and now Vermont. Sure we managed to fool a lot of black and old people into voting with the heathen Mormons to overturn the gay marriage in California, but it is looking more like that may come to end soon as the California Supremes--not to be confused with the California Raisins--overturn Proposition 8.

The world is coming to an end.

We have a black guy running the country; Europeans love us again; Rush Limbaugh is getting his ass handed to him on his own radio show. I think it's Rapture Time!

Now for those of you who didn't know, the Rapture is a participatory sport. You can't just wait there like some jackass hitching a ride from the Almighty. No, just like the preacher on the teevee says, you have to sow a seed of faith. And just like when God tested Abraham, that seed comes in the form of a 12-gauge shotgun.

Now I can hear all you Christians now. "But isn't suicide murder?"

Shut up, pussies! If you had had the balls you should've this last November, we would be sitting with Sarah Palin in the White House right now, bombing Russia from her front porch and burning books in the back permafrost barbecue. But no, you had to sit this one out, because you weren't too sure about the old man's abilities or the Wasilla Hillbilly's brains. Look, if God had meant the Wicked Ditz of the North to think, he would have put her in a real state, not freakin' Alaska!

In order to show God that you are Rapture Worthy, you need to help the process along a little. You need to get off your ass and shoot yourself for Jesus! God will be waiting for you on the other side, with his white limo and the heavenly choir.

But I can hear some of you out there saying, "How can I trust you, Blanca? How do you know the time and the place, when it says in the Bible no one will know?"

Look, there you go again with your fancy book lernin' and fact pushing. Don't you know a real Christian just feels it from the gut. Just ask Commander Guy. There wasn't a single fact he knew, but he sure felt something in his gut. It may just have been a coincidence that it usually followed taco night at the Crawford Ranch, but he certainly felt something, and it kept Laura up all night.

The time is nigh! The gays are taking over. Obama is taking your guns. Glenn Beck is going to be arrested. Sean Hannity is going to be torn limb from limb by liberals and their Fairness Doctrine. Rush Limbaugh, well, I am surprised that tub of lard is still breathing considering how umbelievably fat he is. My God, that right there is a sign of the Apocolypse: fat man walking!

So let's take one for Jesus, folks. Show your faith, and get raptured in the process. Blow your brains out tonight, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be having breakfast on the lanai with Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gahndi. Oh wait, he was a Hindu. He's in Hell. Wait, I think Mother Teresa was a Catholic. I think they go to Hell, too. Well, it will be just us real Christians, having tea and scones.

Are you Rapture Ready?

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Glenn Beck Kills Three Police Officers in Pittsburgh

For years the mantra has been that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Whenever some nut goes out and kills a bunch of people with a gun, we find some other reason to blame, other than the fact that the lunatic had a gun in the first place.

In 1999, when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot 36 people and then themselves at Columbine High School, it wasn't the fact that two obviously disturbed boys managed to get their hands on a small arsenal. It was that they were listening to dangerous music, like the Insane Clown Posse and Marylin Manson. The theory went that the music, filled with violent imagery, led the boys to commit murder. Seems reasonable to us. At least it wasn't the guns.

When Michael Moore interviewed the former president of the National Rifle Association, Charlton Heston in Bowling for Columbine, the subject of gun violence arose. When Heston was asked what the reason for the high incidence of gun violence in this country was, compared to another country with just as many guns per capita like Canada, Heston, thought for a demented moment, and blamed the colored folk. At least he didn't blame the easy access to guns.

And this past week, when an immigrant, upset over losing his job to outsourcing--please insert irony here--walked into an immigration support agency--insert sad irony here--and opened fire and killed 13 people before pulling the gun on himself, the blogosphere was quick to point out that Jiverly Voong was a Vietnamese immigrant. The story suddenly went from massacre in New York State, to immigrant kills people. Sounds better than blaming the right to have guns, lots and lots of guns. My bottom hurts just thinking about it.

Not being one to blame the innocent guns, I believe that we must continue this proud tradition of placing blame anywhere but with the guns, those sweet, innocent guns. This past week, when an unstable man, who feared that Barack Obama was going to take away his guns, opened fire on police in a quiet street in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, it wasn't his adorable little guns who killed three police officers. It was those messages, which told him that President Obama was going to take away his guns.

Since these messages had to originate somewhere, and since the célèbre du jour is that rising star over at Fox News and Howard Beale impressionist, Glenn Beck, it seems appropriate to hang the blame on him.

So my next question is, when will the Pennsylvania State Police issue an arrest warrent for Glenn Beck? And if they aren't going to arrest the man, will there be a civil suit, where the widows of the slain police officers get to sue his and Rupert Murdoch's asses off? And even if there is no suit, will he be so destroyed by the event, that his show eventually gets ripped off the air like Jenny Jones?

It seems appropriate, and makes about as much sense as blaming some cross dresser or rap singers who like to wear clown makeup for Columbine, black people for gun violence, or immigration for a massacre.

Because if we start examining who can purchase a gun in this country, where will that lead? Pretty soon some nuts out there in the blogosphere will actually question things like if immigrants and green card holders can get guns. And that would be just sad.

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Truth Ministry Helps Michelle Malkin

My puki pal Michelle Malkin came to me in tears recently. She said she just found out she was Asian, and that she didn't want to be. She could imagine nothing more horrific than going through life Asian. I didn't know what to do.

So I penned the following email to the lovely folks over at Truth Ministry, to see if they could help her.

My puki pal Michelle Malkin is Asian, and she doesn't want to be. I saw on the Internets your billboard offering hope for the Asian inflicted. Can you help her? Is it done through surgery or DNA splicing? Oh, that's right, that is science, and we don't want to go that route. Maybe some snake handling or perhaps some chanting will do the trick. Please help her. If she has to go through life Asian, I have no idea what will become of her. I know God will punish her if she doesn't change her Asian ways. I mean I just get sick to my stomach watching her use chopsticks and eat rice. It just breaks my heart. Please help her!

If you know someone who is suffering from Asianness, please visit the folks at Truth Ministry. They can help.

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When Will Gay Republicans Learn?

I was watching the teevee on Friday night, sipping my martini, and getting a foot rub from my puki pal Michelle Malkin, when we decided to change the channel from the 24-hour All Nude News Network to HBO. We like to watch Bill Maher, because, like my gal pal Ann Coulter, we may complain incessently about the liberals and homos and all, but we sure like to hang out with them.

As soon as Joe the Plumber got off the stage, and Bill Maher walked over to his three-man panel, I knew we were in for a long night. Nestled in between Sam Donaldson and David Frum was that diminutive little Reihan Salam.

Salam was helping Frum state the conservative point of view. Actually Frum was looking a little like a deer caught in headlights, as he struggled to make one cogent argument. He was bitch slapped several times by the 75-year-old Sam Donaldson. I thought at one point he was going to cry. If it weren't for the steady, swarthy hand of Salam, Frum surely would have floundered.

When did the Republican party become so desperate that we had to get a gay Bangledeshi to defend it?

Now don't get me wrong, we Republicans don't have anything against the gays.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding, we have everything against the gays. Our whole party platform in 2008 was completely lifted from Leviticus. I'm surprised we didn't bring back stoning.

We have made it abundantly clear that we don't want these degenerates in our party, but they keep coming back. I mean look at all the homos we have had in the party. Some of the Republicans loudest supporters are gay.

Matt Drudge is a flaming queen, whose fetish for fedoras has created a whole new porn subculture on the Internets.

Then there is that Tony Perkins, the religious conservative who heads the Family Research Council, which is nothing more than a speakeasy for anonymous gay sex inside the Beltway.

And most recently, the rumors and allegations of Sean Hannity's sexual proclivities have made it quite clear that Sean Hannity is gay. The stories of his sexual escapades on the set of his Fox News show have led some male interns to fear for their virginity.

How much longer do we have to put up with all of these gays in our party? Why don't they just leave? Can't they take a hint? I mean how many bigotted amendments do we have to sponsor before they get the message and quit? I mean we took away their rights to adopt children in places like Florida and Arkansas. We took away their right to get married in California and Arizona. We even could lock them up for consentual sex before the Supremes knocked that little gem down in 2003.

To paraphrase the house in Amityville Horror, "get out!"

Don't these guys understand that tolerance makes Baby Jesus cry?

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Pantless Protesters During Obama's NATO Meeting (SLIDESHOW, NSFW)

Police in France and Germany encountered small, scattered and peaceful protests Friday in a marked change from the violent clashes that marred the eve of NATO's 60th-anniversary summit.

How come every time there is a nude protest the people doing the protesting are the ugliest, flabbiest, most disgusting people you can find? If I wanted to look at something like that naked, I would stand in front of the mirror starkers. Why can't the models from Abercrombie and Fitch do some naked protesting. I wouldn't care what they protested, as long as they were naked.
About Barack Obama
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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Blanca Accepting Applications for Guest Host

It seems all of my right wing pals have backup hosts to take over for them when they go on vacation. Bill O'Reilly has my puki pal Michelle Malkin and Melanie Morgan when he goes out to buy new loofahs. Sean Hannity has Joe the Plumber for those times he feels like getting away from it all and raping some boys. Rush Limbaugh has a large pile of dog shit (most people never know the difference when Rush is on vacation). But Blanca has no one, and she has not been on a vacation in years.

Sure, I could ask my puki pal Michelle Malkin or gal pal Ann Coulter to fill in for me, but to tell you the truth, those bitches are too expensive. I have to think of my overhead. One guest shot from either of those skanks, and I have blown my whole margin.

So Blanca has decided to open up the auditions to everyone out there in the blogosphere. Interested parties should be able to talk about the issues of the day, placing the appropriate right wing spin on the matter. For topic ideas, I suggest watching Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity.

If you think you have what it takes to be a guest host for Blanca, please send your audition videos to Blanca at blancadebree@gmail.com.

Special points will be awarded to attractive men. Extra bonus points will be awarded to attractive men who do the audition video without pants.

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The Swedes Are Destroying the Fabric of Society

Sweden became the fifth European nation to permit gay marriage this week, ripping another hole in the delicate fabric of society. Of course in Sweden, the fabric of society comes unassembled, in a flat carton, complete with a small useless hex wrench and a set of instructions with pictures resembling the art of a ten-year-old "special needs" child with not one single word of English.

Don't these Scandinavians understand the damage they are doing to the environment and the world by permitting the homos to marry?

Just take a look at this chart. It tells the whole story. The number of marriages for unwed women older than 15 has been steadily declining over the past 40 years. And since Blanca is a multiple of times older than 15, her chances are pretty much shot at ever finding a man to sink her grubby claws into. If a fifteen-year-old girl with firm tits and an ass you can bounce a ball off cannot get a man, what hope is there for a forty-one-year old fat Republican?

But if that is not enough to convince you of the dangers of the gay marriage, take a look at this chart showing the global ocean temperatures from 1880 to 2000. In the past 120 years, temperatures in the oceans have increased nearly a full degree Celsius. And what has happened in the past 120 years to cause this warming? There has been a nearly 1,000% increase in gay marriage. So even though there is no such thing as global warming, the warming of the globe appears to be directly related to gay marriage.

Marriage is an institution, which has existed unchanged for 5,000 years. A marriage today is the exact same as a marriage back when Moses was getting lost and refusing to pull his camel over to a service station to ask directions.

Except for divorce, women being considered chattel, polygamy, the age of consent, child marriages, arranged marriages, forced marriages, interracial marriages, shotgun marriages, marriages of convenience, and game shows marrying off millionaires, the definition of marriage is the same as it was at the beginning.

Gay marriage has destroyed traditional marriage. Just take a look at this graph, which shows the divorce rates by state. The

three states with gay marriage, Connecticut, Iowa, and Massachusetts are at the bottom, meaning they have the fewest divorces. Uh, you know what, don't look at that graph.

We all know how terrible gay marriage is. It has caused failures in marriages all over the world, even in those countries without gay marriage. It has even caused good conservatives to stray. Before gay marriage Larry Craig loved his wife. Now, he trolls through airport restrooms for the gay sex.

We must end this attack on the institution of marriage. Nothing else has damaged marriage so much.

Except for divorce, infidelity, financial problems, and all those damn Mormons.

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