The Case for Texas to Secede

Dr. Ron Paul has suggested that it is not un-American to talk about secession. The state of Oklahoma passed a resolution, which basically says they don’t have to listen to the federal government. Not since the Dixicrats and the federalization of the Arkansas National Guard, have we seen such bitter talk about leaving the union.

Usually talk of secession brings to mind the Southern states forming the Confederacy and the long bloody Civil War, which killed more than 600,000 Americans on both sides of the conflict. The war, which pitted brother against brother, was the costliest in terms of life loss in the history of the United States. Most talk of secession is dismissed as the ranting of madmen and idiots who walk around using tea bags as jewelry or accessories.

Secession of the State of Texas is an unusual case, however. Because Texas was annexed, and because it was previously an independent country, there is some legal precedence to permit Texas to leave the Union. We real Americans welcome this departure. But there are some ground rules, which we must first agree on before you go and become your own country.

Several American exclaves would be established in the new Republic of Texas. Austin would become an exclave of Massachusetts, meaning that gay marriage would be legal deep in the heart of Texas.

Houston and surrounding areas, including the Johnson Space Center and the Bush Intercontinental Airport, would become an exclave of Louisiana. This seems appropriate since most of the residents of New Orleans ended up living in Houston after Katrina. The Bush Intercontinental Airport would be renamed to the Michael Dukakis Airport. And since George H.W. Bush would not be eligible to be President, since he came from a foreign country, Dukakis will be named the honorary 41st President. Additionally the aircraft carrier George H. W. Bush will be renamed the William Jefferson Clinton aircraft carrier. Since Jimmy Carter already has a nuclear submarine named after him, we can’t rename the ship after him, because it would just cause too much confusion.

Galveston will become an exclave of Vermont, because it is just unfair of Vermont not to have access to any seaport. Even New Hampshire gets a seaport. Once again, gay marriage, deep heart of Texas. Since the United States considers her territorial waters to extend 12 miles from shore, any ships passing through her territorial waters on the way to the Republic of Texas would have to pay a toll not greater than $100 per ton.

Since the highway system was designed and paid for by federal tax dollars, the Republic of Texas would be required to sign a 99 year lease with the United States for use of the highway system. The fee would be one dump truck filled with gold. Payment is due in full and promptly on January 1 of each year. We don’t care where you get the gold, and frankly that’s not our problem. You can take up a collection from all the people with gold teeth for all we care. Oh, wait, that would imply you have a functional health system. Well, not our problem.

The city of Texarkana will be ceded completely to the state of Arkansas.

El Paso will be ceded to New Mexico.

Dallas will continue to be part of the Republic of Texas, however the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository would become an exclave of Washington, D.C. Gay marriage will be legal, but guns won’t. Unfortunately this means that American Airlines will need to change its name to Texan Airlines. Both Texan and Southwest will now be foreign carriers and will be subject to strict regulation to operate in the United States. Continental will continue to be an American airline, since it will now be headquartered in Houston, LA.

Since George W. Bush also could not be President, all of his federal appointees are hereby stripped of rank and title. This means that both Justices Alito and Roberts are no longer on the bench. President Al Gore will be permitted to place two radical environmentalists on the Supreme Court.

An electric fence will be erected between the Republic of Texas proper and the United States. Border guards will have orders to shoot to kill any Texans attempting to cross the border illegally looking for jobs or health care once the Republic of Texas has devolved into Somalia.

And since the United States subscribes to both the Monroe as well as the Bush Doctrines, we reserve the right to invade Texas at any time in the future as we see fit, bomb the living shit out of whatever we find there, and occupy the country for a couple of years until we are good and ready to leave, but not before bombing the living shit out of anything else we find down there.

If you agree to these terms, Texas, feel free to leave the Union and form your own country. But please do it soon. We have some people coming over this afternoon to take a look at the place, and we would like you out of the country before they arrive.

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Maine Gay Marriage Legalized

Maine Governor John Baldacci signed Wednesday into law a bill legalizing gay marriage in the state. The move makes Maine the fifth state to allow gay marriage.

Well maybe there is an evolutionary reason for homosexuality. Perhaps it is nature's way of saying "hey, six billion people is more than enough." Gay cavemen weren't saddled with children and could go on longer hunts without worrying about leaving people behind. They also kept the numbers down in the clan.

And who told you there was no "gay" gene? There actually is. Well, there is more than one gay gene. There is an actual gene, which has been found, but you probably skipped that bit of science while playing with your Jesus Chemistry set. There is also a guy in my building named Gene who is the biggest queen I have ever seen.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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The New Improved Republican Party

Like Windows 7, like Match Game 76, like New Coke, the Republican Party is trying to rebrand itself to seem fresh and to lick its self-inflicted wounds from two years of mismanagement and contraction.

Like New Coke, a reformulation will only cause the faithful to abandon the G.O.P. in droves, most likely to the Libertarian or Constitutional parties. As with Match Game 76, the stars are the same, the jokes just as lame, and the host, just as dull and witless as always. And just like Windows 7, it doesn't matter how much of a new interface you put on the party, in the end the code is just the same, and it is just as buggy as ever.

Big Republican names held a pizza party to put some fresh spit on the old shit, which is the party as of late. Jeb "Let Me Shove that Feeding Tube in You Mrs. Schiavo" Bush led the parade of lost souls. He was accompanied by the Boy du Jour, Eric Cantor, who is in a race with Virginia Foxx, Michelle Bachmann, Bobby Jindal, and Sarah Palin, to see who can evacuate his head of brains the fastest. The competition has been siff, but Cantor has been able to keep up so far. With his lips firmly placed on Rush Limbaugh's ass, he is crooning the right tune like only a cantor can.

Rounding out the trio of twits was Mitt "My Magic Underwear Keeps Me Safe" Romney. Mittens is best known for driving AMC motors into the ground and for saving the Olympics from the Mormans who wanted to put the swimmers is burqahs. The arch conversative, whose supreme reign saw the first state to go all gay with marriage, at least stemmed the pink tide by pulling an oldie but a goodie out of his bag of legal tricks, using an archane law preventing Massachusetts from recognizing marriages illegal in other states, i.e., interracial marriages. What a mensch!

And ladies and gentleman, I present to you the lineup of the New Republican Party, 2009. All that was missing was Newt "Kermit the Frog" Gingerich, to make what's old new again.

Look, guys, it will take more than a kegger to bring this party back from the dead. You have to work on fixing what is wrong with the Grand Old Party, namely, all of you schmucks. If we don't return to our core values--whatever the hell they are--we are doomed. You guys turned our party upside down, forcing together groups, which have been diametrically opposed. You made the gun nuts join hands with the Rapture Ready crowd. Although I do see the connection, the gun nuts have yet to give their guns to the Rapturists so they can make a quick exit from this world and join God for brunch.

The party of Lincoln became the party of Reagan, and somewhere along the line, we became the party of Nixon and 43. Now we are the party of Jindall, Palin, and Foxx. Soon, we will end up being the party of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

As long as you dipshits are running the show, we are doomed. Our numbers are falling faster than the soon-to-be-falling fake tits of Miss California. A few weeks ago we were at 23%. Now we are at 21%. If we continue this way, by the end of the year we will be lucky if 15% of electorate identify themselves as Republicans.

Time is running out. If you can't fix things, then it may be time to jump ship. Blanca is a conservative, but she like winning. I guess I can be the next Ben Nelson or Mary Landrieu. Just call me Blanca DeBree, D-WI.

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