Clinton Wins Indiana, Barely

Hillary Clinton managed to win Indiana by a whopping 2 points, bringing her delegate lead over Senator Barack Obama, when including North Carolina, to an impressive -166.

Barack's double-digit blow out in North Carolina makes him all but the presumptive nominee for the Party of Jefferson--the white guy who screwed his slaves, not the black guy who had $90,000 in his freezer, and certainly not the other black guy who was a dry cleaner and moved on up to the East Side.

My, there certainly are a lot of black people with the name Jefferson. I wonder how that happened. Oh, yeah, the white guy who screwed his slaves. I forgot.

Hillary canceled all of her morning show engagements, signaling to some that she was regrouping, and to those who predicted it three weeks ago--ahem--that she was getting ready to concede.

Meanwhile in Indiana, several nuns were not permitted to vote, because they lacked appropriate voter ID. The Indiana Secretary of State, Todd Rokita, did not apologize, but his office released a statement:

"Indiana's Voter ID Law applies to everyone. From all accounts that we've heard, the sisters were aware of the photo ID requirements and chose not to follow them,"

Mr. Rokita could not be reached directly for a comment, because he was burning in Hell.

God later commented "Don't fuck with my posse!"

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The Force Is Not with You, Hillary

Now with 65% of the vote in Indiana, Hillary's lead is now down to 6% with about 803,000 votes in.

As time goes by, it looks worse for her.

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Obama Rama!

With 38% of the vote reporting in Indiana, Hillary now has 56% to Barack's 44% with about 435,000 votes in.

In North Carolina, with about 5% of the precincts reporting, Barack's lead is 66% to 34% for Hillary with about 175,000 votes in.

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Obama Wins North Carolina

Barack Obama wins North Carolina, with 0% of the precincts reporting.

How the hell does CNN do this? Do they have Miss Cleo on their staff?

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Indiana Primary Colors

With 16% of the precincts reporting in, Hillary's lead is now down to 57% to 43% with just over 180,000 votes.

The question: is it possible for Obama to overcome her lead in Indiana, or will he be whipped like Kobe Kinte in Roots?

Time will tell.

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Indiana!

Now with 13% of the precincts reporting in Indiana, Clinton still leads with 58% to 42% with over 149,000 votes in.

Until we hear from Gary, Indiana and Joe Jackson, we will not know who the winner is.

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Prince Charles Spent His Honeymoon In Diana

The numbers keep coming in, and Hillary now has 57% to Barry's 43% with 9% and more than 112,000.

Keeping tuned.

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Hoosier's Daddy

The numbers are starting to settle down in Indiana. With 6% of the precincts reporting, Hillary has 59% to Barack's 41%, with over 80,000 votes tallied.

But Indiana's population centers are in Indianapolis, Evansville, and Gary. The rest of the state is filled with corn, Kevin Costner, and dead baseball teams.

This just in, the numbers have just changed.

Clinton is at 56% and Obama is at 44% with 8% and more than 103,000 votes.

Things are a shifting.

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For the First Time in History, a Vajayjay Goes Down

The tide is turning against the vajayjay.

Now 4% of the precincts are now reporting in, and with the Central Time Zone just closing, the lead Hillary Clinton enjoyed like a juicy watermelon over Barack Obama, is starting to wane. She now leads only 59% to 41%. At one moment in the evening, she lead 69% to 31%.

Barack Obama now leads in three counties.

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Results Slowly Trickle in, Like John McCain Going to the Toilet in the Middle of the Night

With only 3% of the Hoosier State reporting, Clinton leads 61% to 39%, with more than 48,000 votes in.

But if you have been watching, her lead has been lessening as the percentage of precincts has been increasing.

Obama in now winning one county.

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What the Hell is an Exit Poll, Anyway?

When we hear about "exit polls," what are they exactly?

Well, to sum it up in one word: bullshit.

You ask some schmuck leaving a polling place, who he oted for and why.

Problem: there is no way to verify that he is either telling the truth about his reasons or his actual choice.

So when you hear things like 33% of vajayjay voters will vote for McCain if Clinton does not win, think this: 33% of the people who bothered to stop and answer this question told the pollster this answer. It is like asking Greg Brady if he broke the lamp. Of course he will tell you "no," even though he is holding the basketball and Marsha's nose is all bent out of whack.

So take exit polls with a grain of salt. Next week: what the hell is a grain of salt?

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Indiana Jonesin' for Obama

The polls in the Eastern Time Zone in Indiana have now closed.

This time zone could be called the Clinton Time Zone.

Barack Obama's strongest counties are in the Central Time Zone, around the Chicago suburbs and in the Evansville area.

Heavy turnout seems to indicate a record primary for Indiana.

According to one Greek source, the early votes seemed to be favoring Obama.

Considering that Obama won Guam by just 7 votes, we could be surprised by a squeaker win for him in Indiana.

North Carolina will probably clean Hillary Clinton's clock (and maybe even her vajayjay).

Keep tuned.

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McCain Death Watch: Days 7 & 8, The Reckoning Edition

In just a few moments, many polls in Indiana will close, bringing up just one step closer to the end of the beginning.

Meanwhile, John McCain has been greatly silent, leading many of us optimists to conclude that he is dead.

As the polls close, Blanca will bring you the results.

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McCain Death Watch: Days 5 & 6, Weekend Edition

For a moment there it looked like John McCain was going to lose his cool, go ballistic, and blow a gasket, live in front of TV cameras and old people gawking on like they were at a seance for Lillian Gish.

Marty Parrish, a business owner and Baptist Minister, asked John McCain point blank if he had ever called his wife a "cunt."

If you watch the grainy video, you can see the monster within McCain begin to stir. And just for a flicker of time, it looked like the Hulk McCain was going to break free and murder and pillage the crowd of octogenarians, thus disqualifying himself for the Commander Guy post.

But, alas, it was not to be. McCain recovered quickly, and then did his usual tap dance, albeit with a walker, and moved right along.

Elsewhere this weekend, it looked like Ron Paul was about to endorse Barack Obama over John McCain, adding to the humiliation of the GOP.

And as if to put the cherry on the cake already iced and lettered with "We're Fucked in November," Cazayoux wins a seat held by the Republicans for 33 years.

If this doesn't prove to you God is punishing us because of "our" choice in McCain, I don't know what will. We must yank this idiot before he destroys our party and put a real conservative like Mike Huckabee in his place.

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McCain Death Watch: Day 4

As of my last report, John McCain was not only still breathing, but was also moving about, albeit slowly.

However, there are signs of hope. He seems to have shrunk another inch or so during a recent speech in Indiana. If he continues to shrink at this rate, he will not be eligible to run for President, because he will not be at the required minimum height to be Commander Guy.

Earlier Senator McCain rambled on, with no seeming purpose, and made little sense. Some thought this could be the onset of a grande mal, but later it turned out that he always does this.

I will continue to keep you posted.

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Clinton Kills Three in Arkansas

Hillary Clinton once again murdered three people in Arkansas today, covering up her crime by creating a killer storm.

Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity have vowed to stay with this story, until all of America believes Hillary Clinton not only killed these people, but was also responsible for the Son of Sam killings, the Zodiac murder spree, and the Tate massacre, which was unfortunately pinned on that nice guy who is the father of Marilyn Manson.

Yes, we on the right always get our facts right--right from the talking points memo.

Next stop, Fox and Friends!

See, Hillary, how quickly we turn on you.

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DC Madam Murdered by Clinton

Several inconsistencies exist in the apparent suicide of DC madam to the political superstars, Deborah Jeane Palfrey. Even though she appeared to have hanged herself in her mother's tool shed, and despite a hand written note found next to the body, many of us on the right have long suspected that Hillary Clinton would kill her to shut her up about Bill's philandering.

We on the right will not rest until the echo chamber of the mainstream media is filled with this story. Next stop, Fox News.

See, Hillary, how quickly we turn on you?

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Thank Heaven for Stupid Girls

Hillary has been doing my work again. It's not that she has been trying to derail Barack Obama using the tactics we used against her and Bill in '90's. It's not that she has been trying her best to make him unelectable. It's not even that she has been sinking her own party. It's that she has been so stupid to let the right manipulate her and play her like a cheap guitar.

She is the gift that keeps on giving--to the vast right wing conspiracy, of which I have been a loyal member. And here's the best part, she has been befriended by members of the right, like Richard Mellon Scaife. Others, like Sean Hannity, have come to her aid. She has even appeared on Bill O'Reilly twice. Thank heaven she just that dumb.

You see, Hill doesn't understand that the only reason we are being so nice to her on the right is that we really, really, really want to run against her in the fall. We really can't run against the black guy, because most of us can't say "black" without sounding like we are card carrying members of the Ku Klux Klan. Which is just totally unfair to us. Many of us, like myself, stopped carrying the cards a long time ago and just attend the weekend rallies and weenie roasts. Nothing says good eating like a weenie roasted over a burning cross!

Hill doesn't understand that as soon as the primaries are over, and she is the nominee, we will come down on her like Larry Craig on a teamster at a truck stop bathroom. We have years of material saved up, chirons we are itching to splash across the television screens of America, stories saved up about how she murdered Vince Foster, killed some teenagers in Arkansas, and smuggled drugs in and out of South America.

What she doesn't know won't hurt Fox News' ratings in the fall. When the Fox News Network becomes all Hillary bashing all the time.

So I raise my glass to you Hillary. Thanks for doing my job for me. See you in Denver, when we totally rip you a new one!

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Seems Like Only Yesterday

It was five short years ago that the war ended, and peace and prosperity returned to Iraq, and we paid for all the war costs with new Iraqi oil.

I remember it fondly.

I thrilled at watching Commander Guy and his enormous cod piece stroll on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, thinking just like Lincoln, the Decider was the bestest President ever!

I swooned as he spoke in front of the giant "Mission Accomplished" banner and told us it was all over, that we had won, that we were number 1.

And as my gal pal Ann Coulter keeps reminding me, things are going swimmingly in Iraq now. In fact, the surge has been such a success and Condi's diplomatic skills have worked for us so well, that April was the bestest month ever for casualties in seven months! At least if I am doing Hillary math.

So I raise a toast to you, Mr. President. Thanks for five of the best years ever. And I am sure there are about 4,064 families who would agree with me.

Cheers!

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McCain Death Watch: Day 3

I was watching CNN this morning, and they were showing a live speech by John McCain. There was a moment for hope, when I noticed several members of the audience suddenly lose consciousness. I immediately thought there must be a deadly gas leak or some nerve toxin was released into the air. Perhaps this was the divine moment we had all prayed for.

Then I realized as John Boy droned on about his brilliant plan to take away your health care, charge you for it, and then give you a lousy tax break, that the people were just falling asleep listening to Gramps yammer on.

Damn! I thought for a moment we were going to be delivered.

There is always a chance Johnny may just bore himself to death at one of his little rallies.

It's the least we can hope for.

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